You Can't Plan It ✚ Tuesdays with Tish
Five years ago, I wrote about how I was going to stop dreaming of living in Vancouver and stay here with my friends and that was okay because I was only 24 and I still had my twenties ahead of me. Well, now I’m nearly thirty and no longer stuck in Ottawa, rather tied to Ottawa because I found a job/career path I actually want but I have to stay here and build that, I can’t take it anywhere else just yet (and I don’t want to- damn, I love this organization and my coworkers!) In my early twenties, I would write that I was scared I was going to be stuck in this city that I didn’t even like for my whole twenties because I’d never be able to afford to move anywhere and/or wouldn’t be brave enough to leave my friends and parents and start somewhere new. And I’m still here. And I ain’t mad about it because I still love my friends and living near my parents and now this job.
But should I still be planning to move away? I’ve never had a Five Year Plan. I like plans and knowing what’s going to happen but I’ve also always lived like Rory Gilmore saying “Five year plan? Wow. I’ve got about the next two hours planned and then there’s just darkness. And possibly some dragons.” I never had the financial stability to dare dream of a five year plan. I was happy if I was able to pay rent without asking Mom for money that month. I don’t know what my five year plan should be. Should I plan to grow within my job or grow out of my job? Should I plan to do more outside of my job or are those opportunities outside of my control? Should I bother planning things that cost money (trips, apartments, things) when I know I’m bad at saving?
I may not have a five year plan, but I should probably have more of a life plan than “I like my job.” I hate that I’m that girl now but honestly I want someone to make plans with. In general I’m much happier making plans and doing things with a friend. I’d probably do much better and feel capable of taking some risks, like moving to a new city, if I had someone do it with. Pathetic but true. And hard not to think about when everyone around me is paired up and seemingly “ahead” of me in life. It’s not a coincidence. It’s easier to do things (like, financially) with a partner. Double income can buy a fucking house. I can only rent an apartment. Two people can split the cost of travel & accommodations for trips. I’d have to pay for it all myself and just end up being broke and lonely in a different place. But I don’t wanna do it on my own, she whines. I thought that’s what I’d do and that’d be fine because that’s always been the way but then I got a boyfriend that I wanted to do all this life stuff with and I liked that idea much more than doing it alone. And my closest friend got a boyfriend at the same time which was fine until I lost my boyfriend and needed my Plan A (BFF spinsters) back but she was no longer available for that. It feels a bit like I lost both my life partners. (She says dramatically…)
I want to be a totally Independent Woman™️ who don’t depend on no one for nothin’! Alas, I am actually warm and gooey inside and don’t want to be alone. But that’s one thing I can’t plan. I have no choice but to make plans for myself, on my own, and just leave that possibility of someone being by my side while I do those things. Can’t plan on a life partner, no matter how many dating apps I get. Also, I should probably be a better friend and reach out to see if friends want to go on trips and do fun things like WTF I am always forgetting friends are great and make life joyful. Dum dum.
Anyway, if anyone wants to answer any of my questions and plan my life for me, go for it. My only plans at the moment, outside of my job, are ComicCon and spending a lot of time on my balcony when the weather is nice...