I'm a Selfless Angel ✚ Tuesdays with Tish
This weekend I helped my friend/coworker on her first short film shoot. I went to film school twelve??? years ago, but since then haven’t been on any type of film shoot, so I was excited to get back on a set because I remember loving it. I was not so excited to be on set (or “on location” I guess) for 12+ hours two days in a row instead of having my usual lazy weekend, but I knew it would be worth it for my own experience and to help out my friend as much as possible. To no one’s surprise, my feet were very sore at the end of the first day and two days later I am still very tired but damn if I didn’t love it.
I thought being on a shoot would inspire me to want to shoot my own stuff, but my initial reaction was one closer to “Fuck, I forgot how much work this is; how tedious it can be to do take after take just for one very short shot.” But, yes, throughout the weekend I also had my moments of wishing I were the one behind the camera, setting up my shots, telling my crew what to do, working hard to create my own masterpiece. But also I was very tired. And being so tired and so devoted to working hard on something that wasn’t my own masterpiece was a new experience for me.
I had a weird feeling towards the end of the first day when I felt like I was coming out of a state, it almost felt like dissociating, or coming back into my own mind after a time of dissociating. I was just suddenly aware of what I was doing… I had been completely focused on something other than myself, my wants/needs/thoughts, all day. I’m a very self-centered person, as I’m sure I’ve said a million times before, so to spend that long without really thinking of myself and what I want was unusual, and turns out a great mental relief, actually. Is that maybe what meditating or being present or whatever is about? I wasn’t thinking about my own internal self thoughts, or comparing what was happening around me to something else I wanted to think about, or thinking about what I’d rather be doing. It was a break from the non-stop internal dialogue I have with myself all day everyday. I was completely focused on something outside of myself and being of service to someone else. I wasn’t thinking about what I wanted to do; I was thinking at every moment what my friend, the director, needed or wanted and how I could help with that.
Of course, I often get into that state for shorter periods of time when I get really into whatever project I’m working on for my own pleasure, or I’m really focused on a task at work. But I can’t think of a time when I got like that in service of someone else. I wasn’t losing track of time on my laptop writing and organizing my own ideas and work; totally about my own shit. What a great feeling to be completely devoted to something outside of oneself.
And, okay, no I didn’t like enter this beautiful meditative trance-like state all weekend and was like a total angel waiting at the beck and call of the director without any thought to myself. I was also trying to sit whenever and wherever I could on the second day because my feet hurt so much at the end of the first. I also found myself wanting to put my two cents in and make suggestions or tell people what to do, which was outside of my job description (script supervisor/production assistant), because that is just who I am; I like to be the one in charge. But I wasn’t the one in charge, so I stayed back and just paid attention so I could do my job best I could and anticipate needs when I could and offer moral support and a positive attitude because directing your first short film is an incredible feat and I didn’t want her to forget that amid all the stress and chaos.
So, basically, I had one selfless weekend and now I think I should be sainted or something, right? Like, that was a huge change in mental state for this raging narcissist. I’m eager to help her more with her film, if she needs me, and I’m also eager to make something of my own so I can be the one telling people what to do to create my own ~vision~.
Sharing is Caring: Three of my favourite artists released albums on Friday!!! If you want that good shit in your ear holes, listen to Skin&Earth (Acoustic) by Lights, Solutions by K.Flay, and III by BANKS. (I won’t bother with links- you can look them up wherever you stream; I don’t know your life.)