love me love me love me ✚ Tuesdays with Tish
I’m just a super cynical bitch who doesn’t want to date and is real sick of not being able to watch movies/tv or listen to music without a romantic storyline.
But also would just love for someone to come into my life and sweep me off my feet in a very gross romantic way.
I’m this cynical cold hearted bitch but I have an undercurrent of love me love me love me love me. I don’t want to put myself out there but I want everyone to fall at my feet because I’m so loveable. I’m not. I’m a crusty old turd. I’m not fun. I’m not social and warm and joyful. I like what I like; which is very few and specific. I’m uncomfortable with new things happening. I’m displeased if a new situation doesn’t go the way I would like it to.
I actually don’t think of myself as someone who can’t find joy in things but apparently that is the vibe I’m giving off. I find that disappointing. I don’t think of myself that way. I joke about hating everything but I actually love a lot of stuff. Or maybe I just really love some stuff. Just a few people and a few activities and a few conversation topics and a few hobbies. I guess I also hate a lot of stuff… or a few things bug me a lot.
I think I somehow manage to have both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Anxious because I crave intimate relationships (romantic and platonic) but always assume people don’t reciprocate my feelings to the same degree, which makes me retreat and not want to even bother. But avoidant because I tell myself, and everyone who will listen/read, that I’m fine without a romantic relationship and who needs friends when you have Netflix. I’m probably overcompensating for the vulnerability of anxious attachment by trying to be the opposite. Or maybe I really can be fine without intimacy (romantic or platonic) and also want it. It is possible to want more while being happy with what you have, right?
It’s only when something reminds me of romantic relationships that I remember I want that. Most of the time I’m too busy being awesome and thinking about what more I want in the career part of my life to think about what more I want in personal relationships part of my life. I’m not sure where I got the idea that the personal relationships part of my life shouldn’t take any effort. That everyone should give me plenty of love and attention and flattery while I give nothing back. I do think I give a lot of attention to close friends/relationships; I love showing the people I care about that I think they’re awesome and what they mean to me. But I guess, because of the insecure anxious attachment thing, that I need the other person to show me how much they care about me before I feel safe sharing how much I care about them because unrequited feelings are the worst thing that can happen to me. Apparently? I mean, it certainly doesn’t feel great! Whether it’s a crush or a friend, being rejected or just let down really hurts! Not to mention my one and only romantic relationship that turned into a whole lot of me feeling unloved and unwanted. I’ve said before, I’m sure, that I struggle with feeling unlovable. Feeling like I’m making progress with someone and then feeling like they aren’t as into it as I am really hits me hard and makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there.
Once again, this thing has no point other than to express my simultaneous high and low self esteem with a “Why isn’t everyone in love with me?” (They should be because I’m awesome but they’re not so I must be unlovable.)
*extreme Panic! At the Disco voice* ...walking contradiction...
Sharing is Caring: Since that one song is stuck in my head now because that one line that popped into my head, I’ll recommend you listen to A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out by Panic! At the Disco for old times’ sake. It’s one of a few albums from my teen years that I can still put on and be fully into, un-ironically.
See you next Tuesday, lovers.