Okay, I’m in my thirties now. Time to say goodbye to some stuff from my twenties and look forward to what I want in my thirties…
Goodbye, passive-aggressive ways of avoiding vulnerability...
In my overall effort to be a grown-ass independant 30-something woman, I will work on moving past my insecurities and the immature ways I ask for validation to combat them. My Twitter feed is full of self-deprecating jokes(?) cause “I'm scared they're all laughin', so I make the joke first, If I beat 'em to the punchline, then I can't get hurt”. God forbid, I just admit to people (IRL!) when something makes me sad or jealous or belittled; better just joke about how I don’t care about anything. My Instagram is full of selfies because it’s not enough to just look in the mirror and like what I see; I need to know that everyone else thinks I’m pretty, too. This weekly blogging is just a way to write about all my shit that I don’t like but still don’t want to admit that I need to change; I’ll just defend my worst behavior like it’s a quirky personality trait.
So, vulnerability is what I want to work on. I don’t want to be so guarded that I don’t even want to tell someone how I feel about them because it will hurt if they don’t feel the same. And then joke about how I’m a miserable cunt that no one likes, when I don’t really know if that’s true because I was too scared to be vulnerable enough to find out if anyone likes me. I want to be strong enough to be vulnerable with people and strong enough to be okay when things don’t go the way I had hoped. Oh ya, to stop putting expectations on everything and everyone and then being a pouty baby when things don’t go exactly as I wanted is a whole other thing I need to work on…
Hello, traveling alone...
It is great! I do what I want, when I want! I’m already thinking of next trips I want to take, within Canada, and that my first international trip will be England. It feels really good to be able to actually plan these trip ideas. I mean, it depends on money, of course. But other than that, my job allows me to take my vacation pretty much any time of year. I’m no longer putting trip ideas in the back of my head as “someday, when I have x, y, and z in my life, I can go on this trip.” I will be vulnerable and admit that I do want to find someone who is great to travel with and will come on these trips with me, but I am learning that wanting more does not take away from enjoying what you already have! I do what I want! I’m making things happen! I’m living my life! I am woman! Hear me roar!
Goodbye, introvert & anxiety excuses...
I wrote at the beginning of the year that I wanted to shed the label ‘introvert’ and all the limitations that I put on myself under that label. And, though I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, I feel I can say I suffer from anxiety. But, I keep doing things even though they make me anxious. It’s a step-by-step sort of journey through my anxiety, as every time I do something that made me anxious and I survive, the less anxious I am the next time I do something similar. But I still need to work on knowing if, when I opt out of something, I’m respecting my limits or limiting myself. I won’t be using ‘introvert’ or ‘anxiety’ as blanket excuses to limit myself anymore. I’ve got to remember that I am always capable of just a little bit more than I’ve done before.
Hello, career ambitions…
Twelve years after I went to the only film production college program that accepted me, I finally have narrowed down what I actually want to do in film; programming. I mean, that’s not the only thing, I want to write and some other stuff, too. But this is the specific job/path/title that I want to work toward. I’ve been working in film festivals for a few years now, in the admin side, and have been enjoying it, but not known exactly what my path in festivals would be. Look, I organize a mean spreadsheet, but that’s not really where my passion for film lies, you know? I’m fortunate to work in an organization that actually wants each person to get to do the work that they want to do. So, I have people around me supporting my interest in helping with programming here, and finding opportunities outside of our festivals. I’m in a good position to be on this career path; I’m supported, I have opportunities, I have connections. I’m confident that this is a goal I can keep working toward and that it will expand my life in general (honestly, looking for a reason to move to the west coast).
And, just for fun: Some things I’d like to say that I did in my thirties
Wrote a book. I dunno what about yet, personal essays of some theme, a collection of fairy tale retellings, I dunno, but I want the satisfaction of holding my very own physical BOOK!
Worked at several film festivals as a programmer.
Wrote for a website/publication that I actually read and love.
Went to a lot of film festivals all over the world.
Made a film. Short? Long? Zero budget? Studio project? Director? Writer? Producer? I dunno, but I wanna make something!
Was in an actual healthy, loving, nice relationship with a good person. Doesn’t have to be forever, but I hear being “in love” is pretty great. My one dalliance with it came with a lot of pain, so I’d like to try again without all the shit I put up with last time.
And if you’re wondering how 30 is going so far; I am currently dealing with both arthritis and acne. It’s all I ever dreamed it would be.
Sharing is Caring: If I haven’t mentioned her, and her book, before, I’m surprised, but I can’t say enough how much Lane More and her book How to Be Alone: If You Want to and Even if You Don’t has meant to me. The whole book, and Lane’s Twitter feed, is constant “omg I’m not the only one” feelings that are so good. I mean, if it’s not relatable, then lucky you! What a blessed life you live!
See you next Tuesday, if I haven’t rapidly aged into dust by then.