Posts tagged Tuesdays with Tish
Like, I have a job! ➕ Tuesdays with Tish

I do not have the mental energy to put my thoughts into words here. I couldn’t even pick one of my half-written ideas to go off as a starting point. It’s crunch time, folks!

My job is very cool. But this time of year it’s not cool like watching films and meeting filmmakers and throwing fun parties and watching screeners and designing posters. It’s going between several multi-tab Google sheets to correlate information so that it all makes sense. Does it all make sense? We won’t know until it goes into action next week. I’m in charge of the venues front of house (box office) and anywhere else we have money. I gotta know who has it and for what and make sure they return it to me. I also have got schedules coming out of my butt for all of the staff running said venues and anywhere there is money. I’ve got instructions to print and put in binders, I’ve got more Google sheets to prepare, tomorrow I get all the iPads that I have to set up with all the apps they’ll need and logged in and set up. And signage! I love designing stuff and I think the templates I made are super cute but now I’ve got tabletop signs with prices to make, directional signage for every floor of this maze of a building, different directional signage just for the big building-wide party.

Okay this is just me writing out my work to-do list. But this is all that’s on my mind! I’m not thinking about anything else so I can’t write about anything else!

Being a part of a huge, fun event is amazing. It’s the good kind of busy. It’s the good kind of exhaustion. But it is hard. You’re never as ahead-of-schedule as you try to be. You can’t just work on one thing at a time because something is always coming up. There’s no such thing as “not in my job description” because it is “all hands on deck” time.

The office is full of all our contract staff and I want to strangle any one who utters a word of conversation that is not work related. There’s enough noise from people doing their jobs, I don’t need to also hear about your hometown or what you thought of the Joker trailer. You’re being too LOUD. You need to calm DOWN. As Taylor Swift says.

I love the Festival. But I also really love when it’s over.

Positively. Bedeviled.

Positively. Bedeviled.

See you next Tuesday with a pre-written scheduled post because it will be Festival Week!

Autumn ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

It is Autumn. I say so. Last year I wanted it to be autumn half way through August, but this year my personal seasonal feelings lined up with the weather more and September started off chilly and I was all about it.

I spent the weekend doing things instead of my recent routine of watching about 5 movies per weekend (despite this, I am nowhere near my total movie watching goal for the year and, even if I continued this through the end of the year, it would not be enough). I put my air conditioner away and brought out my keyboard since that floor space was open. Whether or not I spend much time practicing remains to be seen (unlikely as this is a busy time of year for me). I drew a new design on my whiteboard, which I change seasonally. It says “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers” because Anne Shirley is very wise. I replaced my summer scented candles with the autumn scents. And lit them all at once and refused to acknowledge that they set off my allergies because I’ll be damned if I ever give up my scented candles. Scent is very important in the overall seasonal vibes. I only had a couple things to bring out of the storage closet in the way of autumnal decor, but it felt very autumnal in here all weekend because of those scented candles. Oh, also, while going through stuff in the storage closet, I decided to throw all my old notebooks and diaries and sketchbooks in the recycle because why I am I even keeping them? Do I ever read through them? No. My teenage diaries are depressing as fuck. No thank you. Byeeee. I went to Michaels for my yearly Halloween decorations (aka home decor) haul and came back with four more things to put on my one wall that is full of Michaels Halloween decor (I keep the rest of the apartment pretty minimal) and two pillows to add to the sofa. Basically, I cleaned up and dusted everything and moved around some decor and now my apartment is really not much different but it feels different for a new season and that is what matters. I won’t be spending a lot of time in here for the next few weeks as I work longer hours and then, the week of the Festival, only come home to sleep and not even a full 8 hours of that. 

I enjoy seasonal living. I like having traditions to look forward to and new things to do every few months. I like the comfort of getting out the same decorations and watching the same movies and tv at the same times of year. But also the excitement of always something new on the horizon. I’m already looking forward to all the traditions and new things that come with Christmastime, but I’m in no hurry as I am ready to enjoy autumn first.

My seasons are:
September 1 - first week of November: Autumn / Birthday season
Second week of November - first week of January: Christmastime
January - March: S.A.D.
March - April: Spring? Is that you? Please?
May: Balcony season
June - August: Hot and sweaty

So, welcome to Autumn. If you need something aside from scented candles to get you in the mood, check out my Autumn Watchlist. And start thinking about what you’re going to get me for my birthday!

So excited for fall foliage!

So excited for fall foliage!

See you next Tuesday, Pooh.

Imaginary Boyfriend ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I watched a movie today about a 26-year-old woman who still has her imaginary friend and he kinda starts to become real and is in love with her. Anyway, it was a bit weird but I could relate to it in a metaphorical way. The imaginary (boy)friend. She has to pretend he’s not there around other people but she knows he’s always there, telling her what he thinks, wanting her to ditch this other guy and just hang out with him.

Sometimes it felt like my boyfriend was imaginary. Like he was just in my head. When we were together, he existed in my phone and in my head. And after we ended it, he still lived in my head. When we were together, I was constantly imagining what if he were here. What would we be doing. And, of course, imagining our future together. How we’d spend holidays, trips we’d take, relationship milestones. The longer we were apart (physically) the more he became my imaginary boyfriend. The less he texted me, the more time I had to play out situations in my head with my perfect boyfriend. The boyfriend he would become once he moved back and we could really be together because that would fix all our problems, of course. 

There’s a part in one of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books where Lena is constantly imagining Kostas (her lost love) is with her. What would he say to her, what would he do in this situation. Would he be disappointed in her or proud of her. I had that for a while after we ended it. I had spent so long waiting for him to be here, in my life. Everything I did, I thought he should be here for this. I was at my office Christmas party watching everyone do karaoke thinking I was supposed to have my boyfriend here for this. I wonder what song he would have karaoke’d. I wonder if my coworkers would have liked him. It was a mental habit that was difficult to break. But, like everything else that lingered after our communication ended, it just took time to get better.

I really don’t think about him anymore, unless something strongly reminds me of him. (Sometimes I realize that something that used to remind me of him doesn’t anymore and I smile to myself.) I used to imagine often what if he showed up. How would I react? I thought I’d be so overwhelmed with emotion I’d just want to hold him and kiss him; something I wanted for so long. But then what? I’d be so mad at him, I’d just yell at him everything I wish I could yell at him. And I could never consider being in a relationship with him again. Even if I could forgive him, I can’t trust him. More often now, if a song spurs some daydream of seeing him again, I imagine I just tell him to leave me alone. He has no place in my life.

It’s been almost two years since I last saw him and almost a year since he told me he wasn’t coming back. I’m looking forward to enjoying the Christmas season this year without a post-break-up depression.

🎵 I forgot that you existed. And I thought that it would kill me but it didn’t. And it was so nice, so peaceful and quiet. I forgot that you existed. It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference. 🎵

Ya, that seems like a better idea.

Ya, that seems like a better idea.

Sharing is Caring: I’ve been filling my weekends with movies. Both for work (I have to watch screeners, I’m a very cool industry insider, guys) and for my own enjoyment. You can see most of what I watch on the Rated F Instagram stories. I’m just gonna recommend one to you today; I Kill Giants. It’s on Netflix, so no excuses. It is also a movie that could be taken literally or metaphorically. I think it’s much more fun if she’s literally a giant killer, but you may want to go straight to the child psychology explanation.

See you next Tuesday, my imaginary readers.

What’s up ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Welcome to Tish creates a blog post on her iPad in bed because it is 11pm and she wants to keep her commitment to herself to publish a post every Tuesday.

So, obviously I am busy if I haven’t made the time to write something for this earlier. How about I just write about what I’ve been up to? I say it’s okay.

Well, tonight Jed came over to record a podcast with me and Juliana. Jed is awesome. I helped on her short film last month and I’m going to help out on her last shoot day on Saturday. So proud of her! She’s moving to Toronto for school in a week and I will miss her. We met at work. All the cool people I’ve met at work that I want to be friends with leave the city. It’s so unfair.

Work is getting busier. No overtime yet but like I didn’t have time today to write this while at my desk because I was really into what I was working on. Several multi-tab spreadsheets were involved. I’m in charge of venues, box office, anything with cash. So I have a whole system of keeping track of who’s got what and deposits and devices. Pretty happy I got this done today because last year it was something I was creating the weekend before the Festival. I hope I can stay ahead on everything else I’ve got to do. I’ve written more than once already about how I like to be kept busy with work so I don’t need to tell you how rewarding this is.

Despite the busy-ness at work and Juliana packing up to move (into my building!!!) we have been keeping on schedule with Rated F. We’ve got a written price for this Friday and the next few things planned so we don’t actually have to record until drunk Halloween episode.

I’m applying for a job as a programmer at another film festival. (As a part-time second job! I don’t want to leave the CFI!) No idea if I have a shot, but I’m not not qualified so maybe!? I had my coworker look at my cover letter and resumé and I basically redid the whole letter because of her very helpful notes, so I feel pretty confident. I would LOVE this job. I’m fairly certain programming is really the film job I want to do. I love telling people what to watch. And part of programming is writing about the films. And filmmaker Q&As and stuff on stage. It’s everything I love! I love movies!!!

Is this 500 words yet? I really try to write at least 500 every week. Maybe I should up that for next year. I’m also thinking of doing one Tuesdays with Tish video every month next year. Haven’t made a video in a long time.

I’m gonna be Coraline for Halloween. I try to work with my hair for costumes. This year it’s a blue bob, so… Coraline.

Okay time for bed.

I’m a rewatching Charmed.

I’m a rewatching Charmed.

Sharing is Caring: say hello to my new obsession, Loora Wang. I want to be her. Don’t ask wtf are these videos or wtf is tiktok. It doesn’t matter. Just watch her. Experience her energy. She is my new role model. Also now I want that haircut?!

love me love me love me ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

‪I’m just a super cynical bitch who doesn’t want to date and is real sick of not being able to watch movies/tv or listen to music without a romantic storyline.‬ 

‪But also would just love for someone to come into my life and sweep me off my feet in a very gross romantic way.‬

I’m this cynical cold hearted bitch but I have an undercurrent of love me love me love me love me. I don’t want to put myself out there but I want everyone to fall at my feet because I’m so loveable. I’m not. I’m a crusty old turd. I’m not fun. I’m not social and warm and joyful. I like what I like; which is very few and specific. I’m uncomfortable with new things happening. I’m displeased if a new situation doesn’t go the way I would like it to. 

I actually don’t think of myself as someone who can’t find joy in things but apparently that is the vibe I’m giving off. I find that disappointing. I don’t think of myself that way. I joke about hating everything but I actually love a lot of stuff. Or maybe I just really love some stuff. Just a few people and a few activities and a few conversation topics and a few hobbies. I guess I also hate a lot of stuff… or a few things bug me a lot

I think I somehow manage to have both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Anxious because I crave intimate relationships (romantic and platonic) but always assume people don’t reciprocate my feelings to the same degree, which makes me retreat and not want to even bother. But avoidant because I tell myself, and everyone who will listen/read, that I’m fine without a romantic relationship and who needs friends when you have Netflix. I’m probably overcompensating for the vulnerability of anxious attachment by trying to be the opposite. Or maybe I really can be fine without intimacy (romantic or platonic) and also want it. It is possible to want more while being happy with what you have, right?

It’s only when something reminds me of romantic relationships that I remember I want that. Most of the time I’m too busy being awesome and thinking about what more I want in the career part of my life to think about what more I want in personal relationships part of my life. I’m not sure where I got the idea that the personal relationships part of my life shouldn’t take any effort. That everyone should give me plenty of love and attention and flattery while I give nothing back. I do think I give a lot of attention to close friends/relationships; I love showing the people I care about that I think they’re awesome and what they mean to me. But I guess, because of the insecure anxious attachment thing, that I need the other person to show me how much they care about me before I feel safe sharing how much I care about them because unrequited feelings are the worst thing that can happen to me. Apparently? I mean, it certainly doesn’t feel great! Whether it’s a crush or a friend, being rejected or just let down really hurts! Not to mention my one and only romantic relationship that turned into a whole lot of me feeling unloved and unwanted. I’ve said before, I’m sure, that I struggle with feeling unlovable. Feeling like I’m making progress with someone and then feeling like they aren’t as into it as I am really hits me hard and makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there. 

Once again, this thing has no point other than to express my simultaneous high and low self esteem with a “Why isn’t everyone in love with me?” (They should be because I’m awesome but they’re not so I must be unlovable.)

*extreme Panic! At the Disco voice* ...walking contradiction...

See, even Beyoncé feels unlovable sometimes.

See, even Beyoncé feels unlovable sometimes.

Sharing is Caring: Since that one song is stuck in my head now because that one line that popped into my head, I’ll recommend you listen to A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out by Panic! At the Disco for old times’ sake. It’s one of a few albums from my teen years that I can still put on and be fully into, un-ironically.

See you next Tuesday, lovers.

Bi(sexual) ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I am queer (bisexual). But I don’t feel a part of the “queer community” apart from filling my Internet spaces with queer people. I don’t have IRL queer community. None of my close friends are queer (as far as they’ve let me know). I haven’t made a lot of new friends outside of workplaces in my twenties. I don’t seek out queer events/groups because I don’t seek out any groups because I’m an introvert happier at home or with my close friends, not trying to make new ones. But dating queer women would put me in the queer community. But I don’t really date. I’ve had one relationship with a straight man. 

To be blunt, and possibly unfair, I feel I’m being left out of the queer community because i’m not fucking the queer community.

I know I’m not being left out; I’m choosing not to join in. But my point is that, to me, the queer community feels like it’s based around dating. That’s how you meet more queer people and, to an extent, prove your queerness. Because if I were dating and fucking a lot- but only straight men- then I wouldn’t be socializing within the queer community. And wouldn’t even be seen as queer or queer enough by some people.

There’s a whole part of being queer/in the queer community that I’m missing out on by not having sex, or at least not having same-gender sex. A lot of it is stereotypes jokes. But I can have no comment on that; I couldn’t joke with other queer women about what it’s like to date and fuck women. That sense of finding my people, the people with whom I have something in common, isn’t there if I’m still missing out on a big part of being queer.

I recently read Would You Rather? A Tale of Growing Up and Coming Out in which author Katie Heaney describes her journey of discovering her sexuality in her late twenties. (Her first memoir Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date was, as the title suggests, very relatable to me as well.) After she comes out and starts to date her girlfriend, she struggles with finding a place in the queer community; from changing how she dresses to finding queer friends. I usually see this kind of stuff portrayed in a supportive way; let’s welcome our baby gays and show them our queer community. But, like maybe that’s just on the Internet??? Or just for gays and lesbians??? I just can’t imagine anyone welcoming me into their queer world like Hey girl, welcome to being bisexual- it would be like Hey welcome to dating queer women. But I’m like- can I be queer and hang out with queer people without dating them? Or anyone maybe?

Well, this is just another Tuesday of me writing boo hoo I don’t fit in, isn’t it? I guess I’m just struggling lately to find places in media, and real life, that represent those of us for whom dating and sex are just not a priority. It seems like everything is based around dating, relationships, sex. But some of us aren’t bothered and are doing other things. But it can feel difficult to embrace ones queerness without sex/dating/relationship experience to be the common experience within the community. 

I’m sure some people won’t understand how I can be so adamant that I’m so queer when I’m not fucking/dating other women (or even trying to date currently). But I am. Very queer. And very sick of queer representation being based on sexual and romantic relationships.

I’m just looking for more from the queer community than hot singles in my area, you know?

I’m just looking for more from the queer community than hot singles in my area, you know?

Sharing is Caring: I’ve been listening to Pretty Girls Don’t Cry by Anna Akana for a while, but allow me to just share and accentuate the lines Had a boy crucify my heart on Christmas / Spent the new year feelin’ real twisted / But now I’m ten times more ambitious / My career's going motherfucking vicious / And that boy about to be a witness / To the limitlessness of how I kill business which I have been strongly singing along to as I feel lately that my career is indeed on the verge of going motherfucking vicious. (Also, my life is so much better since that messy relationship ended.)

See you next Tuesday, queerdos.

Get It Done! ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

What is this pressure, and guilt, I feel that I must constantly be productive?

It’s something I’ve always felt because I always have my creative projects that I’m working on that I’m not working on enough. There’s always something on the back burner that I want to do but I feel I should finish or focus on something else first. The guilt is completely self-inflicted as I have never had anyone on the Internet expecting anything from me. 

And then there’s the constant to-do list. One for the week, one for the weekend. It’s a long weekend and instead of just relaxing because I don’t have to work, I’m staring at a to-do list of household tasks and bits of my own projects I want to do, feeling bad I only checked off two things on Saturday and today, Sunday,  should I go for a bike ride and read in a park somewhere or stay home and tackle this list. And this is a LONG weekend! I have another day but I’m still trying to be productive on a Sunday!

Don’t mistake this for Tish is so ambitious and always busy and always doing things. No. My point is- I am lazy and don’t do things because there is too much to do; I get choice paralysis and do nothing instead and just feel the guilt of I should be more productive and checking more off my to-do list but I’m torn because part of me just really wants to do a puzzle this weekend!

I don’t even have hobbies. I turn everything into #content. I like to practice the piano but I get frustrated by anything I’m not immediately good at or at least can’t enjoy as much unless I’m doing it right and I like to practice but I also have the goal in mind of learning this song and once I do, I will make a video of me playing and singing. I rarely play video games because it feels like a waste of mental energy to be using the productive part of my brain on something that actually has no real world rewards. I had the thought to do these terrible little drawings of movie scenes I used to do in my younger days, when I was just creative for the sake of being creative not with an Instagram photo in mind, but I didn’t just think That’d be fun to draw again I thought Oh this will add to Rated F content

And I hate the pressure that Summer adds to everything! Gotta get out there and enjoy this weather! Get on your bike! Make plans with friends! Or even just that I better get up and do groceries right away before it’s smothering hot later in the day. Instead of just doing what I want when I want! I’m still enjoying my cozy bed! My brain doesn’t want to think yet! Yes, I know I will enjoy the out of doors once I’m there but how about right now my body wants to be cozy not active. But if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty when I’m back at work on Tuesday and coworkers ask what I did with my long weekend and I’ll say “Not much”. 

This is just my life. I don’t know what it’s like to be a person who just comes home from their day job and relaxes with some Netflix or does their chores or a hobby with no worry about having to get more work done, just enjoying leisure time. Yes, I have plenty of leisure time but in my head it’s wasted time that I should be working. I just can never decide what exactly I should be working on! I don’t know how to prioritize it all because dirty dishes don’t seem like an immediate concern but then these deadlines I give myself for this blog or podcast episodes are for no one but myself so it’s like a false sense of priority. Should I do laundry or edit and post a podcast? Well, either way, tomorrow I’m gonna feel bad because I don’t have clean underwear or because I feel like I failed to stick to yet another deadline. It’s usually both because I chose to do neither instead of choose one.

My coworker and I sing this at each other on days we’re just not feeling it.

My coworker and I sing this at each other on days we’re just not feeling it.

Sharing is Caring: The above gif is from the Team Starkid musical Firebringer and you should watch it because it’s funny with great music and unlike their first and most well-known musical, A Very Potter Musical, the production quality is quite good and they wear mics so you can actually hear them.

See you next Tuesday, I forgot I used to sign off with this!

Taking a Compliment ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

When people say someone doesn’t know how to “take a compliment” they usually mean like that person has such low self-esteem they will deny the validity of the compliment; “No, it’s not that great.'' Or it’s a thing that a guy yells at a woman after he calls out a “compliment” at her as she walks by on the street and she doesn’t seem to appreciate his generous gift, then the bitch needs to learn to just take a compliment.

Some people might say I don’t know how to take a compliment because I don’t usually say “thanks” after someone shares their opinion of, say, my physical appearance. I usually agree with them, so I say something like “I know” or “Ya, duh” if I’m feeling sassy. (When am I not?) I just don’t see why I should thank someone for sharing their opinion of me that I didn’t directly ask for. I’d much rather share in the “Tish looks great” vibes by saying I agree.

One time a man walked past me on the sidewalk and said “You look gorgeous!” I didn’t react and kept walking so he shouted from behind me “I’m allowed to say that; I’m gay!” Um… “allowed”? Anyone’s allowed to say anything on the sidewalk. Sexual preferences don’t factor in when I hear a man’s voice say something about my appearance at me. Also, again, YA I KNOW BISH! LIKE I CARE IF YOU AGREE?!

I’ll say “thanks” if someone compliments something I worked on. Sometimes it is as simple as an outfit I put together or as much as a piece of writing I worked hard on. Then, thank you for appreciating my work. I did that. But just “I like your physical appearance” wtf I don’t need to thank you for that. What are you doing for me that I need to thank you for?

What is a compliment? It’s a statement of opinion, right? “I like your hair.” “[In my opinion,] your hair looks amazing.” Okay. If I don’t know you- I don’t care what you think. If a friend says it then I probably would say “thanks” because it’s a friend showing a friend some love and positivity. Especially between women it’s not just “I like your new haircut” it’s a whole discussion on why you cut it, how you did it yourself and did a good job, it really compliments your face, yes this is more you than your last cut, do you love it? Good, I’m glad you’re happy with your new haircut. It’s not about their opinion so much as it’s about celebrating your choice to cut your hair or wear that thing or do a good job in something and celebrating that you are happy and your friend is happy for you. So thank you, friend, for your support. Stranger- I didn’t ask for your opinion. The hubris to assume a stranger wants your opinion on their looks- I cannot imagine

A few weeks ago, on my way to work, a man followed me off the sidewalk to tap me on the shoulder, startling me as I was listening to music, just to say “I like the hair” I quickly replied with “Okay” as I turned to continue walking into the building. YOU FOLLOWED ME OFF THE SIDEWALK AND TOUCHED ME WITHOUT CONSENT SO YOU COULD GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY OWN HAIR?!?! Who the fuck do you think you are, Anna Wintour? (I don’t know a famous hair person- Vidal Sassoon is a person?) To believe you would make my day or life better by doing that- WOW. Wow. (Men, amiright?)

So, basically, I don’t care about your opinion of me unless I’ve asked you for your opinion, okay?

Thank you, Moira.

Thank you, Moira.

Sharing is Caring: This whole Twitter thread of movie scenes with different songs is pure gold and made my day. Enjoy. (When you think the thread is over- there is more!)

Too Good to Be True ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

My life is pretty good right now. Brag. I love my job; my coworkers are friends, I like the work I do, I see how this job will lead to more work I want to do, and I make enough money. I have close friends that make me feel happy and loved, and I have some new friends that are pretty great, too. It’s summertime; okay sometimes it’s too hot but overall summer is nice. I’m not dating because I don’t want to be, I’m not pining over anyone, and I feel completely over my last relationship. I am enjoying my time that I work on my creative projects, like my podcasts and writing this every week, and feel excited about plans for upcoming projects to start. I feel confident, beautiful, and healthy. Life is good. But...

Even when things are going well and I want to bask in the good feelings of “I have things I used to only dream of having” and “I'm looking forward to these great things that are to come” my Depression Monster™, though quite small during these times, is still there and pokes its head in to say “It’s not actually that great; you’re forgetting this downside” and “That dream will never actually happen” and “Something bad is coming because good things don’t last.”

This was recently brought on by hearing from my best friend that she and her boyfriend had narrowed down their apartment search to two choices, one being in my building. We both were excited about the idea of being able to conveniently hang out (and record podcasts). But I thought “Ah, it probably won’t actually happen; that would be too awesome. That’s the kind of silly fun idea you dream up when you’re little but life is not Friends.” But then she told me that they had chosen an apartment in my building; deposit, lease, and everything. It’s really going to happen. I even said “Ohmygod, it’s like a new phase of our friendship!” But then that little Monster was like “Okay, calm down. It’s not going to be as great as you think. You still won’t hang out all the time; she has a boyfriend she wants to hang out with that’s why she’s moving in with him. This will not be as great as you are imagining it will be.

And this is what I was referring to when writing about my Core Desired Feeling of Hope and how my depression is characterized by hopelessness. See, even when I have great hope, Depression Monster™ says “Don’t get your hopes up.” 

So, I have to remind myself of just how far I’ve come in my life. And that sometimes things do work out. Sometimes the things I hope will be great really are great. When I was done my contract job at the CFI, I wished and dreamed that someday they’d create a new full-time staff position that I would get- and they did. For years, I wanted to take a birthday trip with a best friend or bf/gf to my hometown for nostalgia and for how much I missed the lake- and Juliana and I went and I had the greatest few days of my life. I finally moved out of the basement apartment and I’m still very happy with my new apartment. I wanted to start a podcast to talk about movies but didn’t have anyone to do it with and then I became friends with Juliana. Sometimes things work out and are as great as I hoped they would be!

So, fuck you, Depression Monster™! I’m gonna keep Living My Best Life and not listening to you. Even if things aren’t going to go the way I hope they will, I’d rather spend my time being happy and hopeful than a bummer who can’t find joy in anything. (Remind me of this when I’m fighting SAD and I wish I were dead next January.)

Oh, Patrick. Living his best life, being hella gay.

Oh, Patrick. Living his best life, being hella gay.

Sharing is Caring: If you don’t know who Christine McConnell is and what she does; it’s time to get on board. She’s been sharing her spooky creations on Instagram for years, last October her Netflix show (part DIY instructional, part hilarious Jim Henson creatures) The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell premiered and tragically didn’t last, so now she’s making her own show on YouTube, From the Mind of Christine McConnell. If you’re a fan of fancy vintage style and spooky shit, Christine is the lady for you. She might be Morticia Addam’s crafty sister.

I'm a Selfless Angel ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

This weekend I helped my friend/coworker on her first short film shoot. I went to film school twelve??? years ago, but since then haven’t been on any type of film shoot, so I was excited to get back on a set because I remember loving it. I was not so excited to be on set (or “on location” I guess) for 12+ hours two days in a row instead of having my usual lazy weekend, but I knew it would be worth it for my own experience and to help out my friend as much as possible. To no one’s surprise, my feet were very sore at the end of the first day and two days later I am still very tired but damn if I didn’t love it.

I thought being on a shoot would inspire me to want to shoot my own stuff, but my initial reaction was one closer to “Fuck, I forgot how much work this is; how tedious it can be to do take after take just for one very short shot.” But, yes, throughout the weekend I also had my moments of wishing I were the one behind the camera, setting up my shots, telling my crew what to do, working hard to create my own masterpiece. But also I was very tired. And being so tired and so devoted to working hard on something that wasn’t my own masterpiece was a new experience for me.

I had a weird feeling towards the end of the first day when I felt like I was coming out of a state, it almost felt like dissociating, or coming back into my own mind after a time of dissociating. I was just suddenly aware of what I was doing… I had been completely focused on something other than myself, my wants/needs/thoughts, all day. I’m a very self-centered person, as I’m sure I’ve said a million times before, so to spend that long without really thinking of myself and what I want was unusual, and turns out a great mental relief, actually. Is that maybe what meditating or being present or whatever is about? I wasn’t thinking about my own internal self thoughts, or comparing what was happening around me to something else I wanted to think about, or thinking about what I’d rather be doing. It was a break from the non-stop internal dialogue I have with myself all day everyday. I was completely focused on something outside of myself and being of service to someone else. I wasn’t thinking about what I wanted to do; I was thinking at every moment what my friend, the director, needed or wanted and how I could help with that.

Of course, I often get into that state for shorter periods of time when I get really into whatever project I’m working on for my own pleasure, or I’m really focused on a task at work. But I can’t think of a time when I got like that in service of someone else. I wasn’t losing track of time on my laptop writing and organizing my own ideas and work; totally about my own shit. What a great feeling to be completely devoted to something outside of oneself.

And, okay, no I didn’t like enter this beautiful meditative trance-like state all weekend and was like a total angel waiting at the beck and call of the director without any thought to myself. I was also trying to sit whenever and wherever I could on the second day because my feet hurt so much at the end of the first. I also found myself wanting to put my two cents in and make suggestions or tell people what to do, which was outside of my job description (script supervisor/production assistant), because that is just who I am; I like to be the one in charge. But I wasn’t the one in charge, so I stayed back and just paid attention so I could do my job best I could and anticipate needs when I could and offer moral support and a positive attitude because directing your first short film is an incredible feat and I didn’t want her to forget that amid all the stress and chaos.

So, basically, I had one selfless weekend and now I think I should be sainted or something, right? Like, that was a huge change in mental state for this raging narcissist. I’m eager to help her more with her film, if she needs me, and I’m also eager to make something of my own so I can be the one telling people what to do to create my own ~vision~.

Saint Moira

Saint Moira

Sharing is Caring: Three of my favourite artists released albums on Friday!!! If you want that good shit in your ear holes, listen to Skin&Earth (Acoustic) by Lights, Solutions by K.Flay, and III by BANKS. (I won’t bother with links- you can look them up wherever you stream; I don’t know your life.)

Fitting In ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I used to love not fitting in. I would pretend to be things that I’m not to fit in less. I hated feeling the same as the crowd. I needed to stand out and be different and do the opposite of whatever everyone else was doing and be damn proud about it. 

Now I'm an adult and I’m not in school so fitting in has a different meaning because adults can make friends of all kinds from all places and find where they fit in. People find a club for people who share their hobby or find a safe queer space or find a neighbourhood in town where everyone looks like them. But because I’ve never wanted to Fit In, I’ve never been interested in those ways of fitting in. And lately I’ve been feeling like I wouldn’t feel like I fit in in any of those types of spaces, anyway.

I feel like I don’t fit in with, like, the world around me. Like, human functioning adults who, say, talk to each other and hang out and go for drinks or go to dinner and eat things and say things and go to movies and on weekend trips and go on dates and get married and I don’t know, actually. I don’t even know what people do because I don’t do any of that and when I try I am just reminded very harshly and I do not Fit In. 

At one time, that would have made me proud, but now it makes me sad. I guess now I’m yearning to fit in with people around me. Or just… I want to be accepted.

The things I used to boast about not fitting in like my style or my indie music playlist or my ambition to be a filmmaker in a small town of farmers are now, like- who cares? Those aren’t things peers judge you on anymore when you’re an adult and the world is so much bigger and popularity isn’t a thing anymore. I’m not pouting that I don’t fit in with the cool crowd, I’m feeling like I just don’t fit in with the people around me that I should easily be able to find a place amongst.

Yes, I have a couple of close friends, thank god. And I love my coworkers. But making new friends? Trying to date someone? It seems like I don’t do anything that anyone else does so they can’t include me. But I don’t want to change. So, I guess I have no right to complain about being left out but also I am allowed to be sad when I feel that being myself (what they told us we had to do to make friends and meet our partner) isn’t what anyone wants. 

I think my friends put up with me because they know that’s how I am and have accepted it but to new people I must seem like A Lot. A lot of work to find a place to eat because I’m so picky. A lot of hanging out at my place because I’m allergic and uncomfortable everywhere else. A lot of questions about exactly where we’re going and who will be there and what time will we be done. But also like Not Enough. Not chatty enough. Not interesting enough. Not funny enough. Not ~easy going~ enough. The cool people I want to be friends with don’t want a friend who isn’t down for group hangs at a bar. The people I have crushes on don’t want to go on dates with someone who can’t just meet anywhere for a beer. 

Look, I just want everyone to like me but I don’t want to do, say, or be anything that people might like. Is that too much to ask?

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Hope ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I found my third Core Desired Feeling to replace Accomplishment.

Hope

Hope is something I always want to feel in my life. It’s motivating, it’s inspiring, it’s exciting, it’s a reason to get up in the morning. 

Hope is for the future. Joy keeps me present, but I can’t feel Joy in every moment (it’s not special if it’s all the time) but I can hold on to Hope at any moment to get me through bad moments. I need Hope to get through any day. Even good days. Good days are good because good things give hope that more good is on its way.

The absence of Hope is depressing. Literally. Depression sucks away hope or when something happens that takes away a certain hope I had, I get depressed. Hopelessness has been the most prominent symptom of depression for me. I know I’m in a depression dip when I don’t want to work on projects or even day dream about possible futures. There’s nothing making me happy and I feel as though nothing ever will again. Finding something to look forward to will lift me up, even a little bit, when I’m depressed.

I can be very happy when I am full of ideas that I hope to do. Everything in my life might actually be stuck and miserable but I can hold onto something inside that says “Life will get better”. I’m happiest when I have something to look forward to, something I’m hoping will go well.

Having your hopes dashed can really hurt. Even someone pointing out that my idea isn’t actually as feasible as I was imagining can really bring me down. But that’s why I’ve got to hold onto Hope even when things don’t go according to plan. There’s always space for Hope; don’t let fear take up more than it’s fair share.

I’m losing Accomplishment because although I love the feeling of accomplishing things, it’s something that happens just by living. It didn’t feel like a goal to feel it. But Joy, Hope, and Connection are feelings that I have to do something to feel. I have to make plans with friends, get outside and do something, dream big. 

“You're forgetting something about Pandora's box. According to myth, when all the sorrows are released, there was one thing left at the bottom of the box—hope.”
- from that episode of Charmed with Pandora’s Box and a girl named Hope

(Upon further research, apparently hope was considered the last evil left in the box. Yikes. I guess that’s one way to look at it.)

I’ve decided that my gifs should come from what I’m currently/recently watching, and I just rewatched Bunheads, so here is Michelle just speaking my truth.

I’ve decided that my gifs should come from what I’m currently/recently watching, and I just rewatched Bunheads, so here is Michelle just speaking my truth.

Sharing is Caring: Ingrid Michaelson’s new album, Stranger Songs, is inspired by Stranger Things, but don’t worry- it’s actually just a great pop album.

Tish Has Crushes ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

A crush used to be a cute kids thing. A way to describe some sort of (hetero) attraction between two kids without making it too adult/sexual. It’s a crush. How adorable. Then it became a way of saying that you want to date someone. A crush was like-liking someone before anyone makes a move. My definition of crush is somewhere before the like-liking someone but also exists separate from that path.

A few years ago, I felt attracted to someone who I could not/would not pursue romantically. I told my best friend, “That’s J. I have decided I have a crush on him. I am not pursuing him; we work together and he is married. But I think he’s cute and I feel warm inside when he smiles at me so I have a crush and that is it.” And so began my new definition of a crush. 

My crushes are about acknowledging (and enjoying) various types of attraction at various levels. Sometimes I just like looking at them, sometimes I am sexually attracted to them, sometimes I would like to be friends, sometimes I just like the way they make me feel or admire their style. Whatever it is, I keep it simple; identify the crush, determine what type of attraction(s) is going on, and continue to enjoy the presence of said crush. 

I can be attracted to someone but not in full on I wanna date you and love you and fuck you kind of way. Often a crush is because I see/know someone and feel attracted to some aspect of them. So I say I have a crush and enjoy whatever I like about them when I’m around them and that is it and that’s fine. It’s just a crush. I wouldn’t say I have a crush on someone I actually fully like and want to date and get sexy with. I’d just say I want to date that person and start trying to flirt or something. My crushes cover a wide range of attraction-types. 

I get crushes on women a lot. Physical-attraction-based crushes. Like a girl I see on the same bus most mornings (I’m very inconsistent in the morning; I don’t get the same bus at the same time everyday) that I think is cute/pretty/just something about her draws my eye. So I look at her an inappropriate amount but it’s okay because I’m always wearing my sunglasses (I am very uncomfortable in public without them; god forbid I ever make eye contact with a stranger) but I am not an actual creep so I would never do anything to actually get her attention or god forbid talk to her (absolute nightmare situation to be trapped on a bus with someone who is too interested in you. Which is any level of interest when you’re on a bus). I call this a crush; acknowledging attraction without any expectations.

Also, only with women, I get Do I want to be her or be in her? crushes. Not sure if I’m attracted to her because she is just giving me amazing boss lady vibes that I find attractive just as another woman who wants to feel boss or am I attracted to her vibes like I want to be around you all the time and maybe kiss you because you’re amazing. But it’s fine because it’s still just a crush and I just acknowledge that I feel something around this person and enjoy their presence, however it makes me feel.

The only type of crush that I’d actually pursue is a friendship crush. It feels safe to pursue friendship. Rejection still hurts but it’s never really inappropriate to let someone know you are interested in their friendship. I only have a couple close friends; I don’t really have a friend group, so I’m always friend-crushing on cool people my age that I assume are having more friend fun than I am.

Being crushed by a crush hurts. But not so much when I’m keeping a crushable distance from my crushes with my it’ll never happen it’s just a crush type of crushes. Being crushed by a crush only happens when you’re actually invested in the crush going somewhere and it’s shut down before it can move beyond a crush. 

Having a friend crush crushed stings in a different way. That’s much harder for me. If a romantic crush doesn’t like me then it’s “Oh well, that wasn’t the person for me.” I know as well as anyone that romantic/sexual attraction is very tricky and it’s rare to find a good fit. No skin off my back or whatever that disgusting phrase is. But a friend crush feels like you can’t go wrong because there are so many levels of friendship. From acquaintance to casual to workplace to friends who only do this one activity, all the way up to top tier best friendship. With that whole range, you’d think that if you’re feeling something friendship-like with someone, there must be something between you two, some common ground to forge some level of friendship. So being crushed by a friend crush, well that feels like a harsher rejection. Romantic rejection is like okay I’m not one in a million; that doesn’t feel so personal but- wow, I can’t even make a friend? What is wrong with me? (Don’t open that can of worms because there are a lot of them).

But I continue to have crushes. I look at someone I already know one day and think “Oh, shit” something has changed and I am suddenly very into what you’ve got going on. Crush activated. And if I can keep it just a crush then it’s just fun to feel whatever nice feeling I get from that crush when I see them. Crushes can drive you a little insane when you’re pursuing more than a crush. But at that point you gotta just woman up and go for it. If you never ask the answer is always no. It’s true! Live in crush limbo forever (or until it fades because nothing is happening) or get rejected and move on to the next crush. I suppose the other option is they return your crush and then something else happens but I can’t speak to that. I only know about unrequited crushes.

Ilana gets it.

Ilana gets it.

Sharing is Caring: I bought an iPad Saturday and I’ve already played through all the Monument Valley games. They are sooooo beautiful with very satisfying puzzles.

Gratitude, I Guess ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I’m not going to get all new-age spiritual self care on you and preach about mindfulness and compassion and gratitude and blah blah bullshit we’ll never actually do. I’m just gonna tell you about one little thing I do that could fall under mindfulness or taking time for gratitude or self care or whatever.

I’ve started (again) writing in a gratitude journal app. So, it’s called a gratitude journal but it could be any journal type app or even just a note on your phone. This app I got shows an inspirational quote everyday and gives you gratitude prompts for your entries. But I just take a minute before I go to sleep write down what happened today. I don’t feel the need to phrase every entry as “I’m grateful for…” because, like, I’m alive and living and grateful for that, so writing anything I did implies gratitude, I feel like.

The only thing that makes this a gratitude journal and not just a journal is that I only write down the positive things and/or write down a positive perspective to maybe not so great things. This is not the place to dwell on negativity and feel sorry for myself and complain about how life just isn’t fair. Because no matter how bad my day, I can still write down “went to work” or “watched a TV show I like” because I am always grateful that I have a job and a home and things in this world that bring me joy.

I’m never going to look back on these entries, so I don’t feel that focusing on only good stuff or putting a positive spin on everything is, like, misrepresenting my life. This isn’t for posterity. This is for that day in that moment that I am writing it down. It’s to end my day remembering that I have good things in my life. It’s to remember every little nice thing that happened during the day that I would usually forget about, but I bring it back to my mind so I go to sleep feeling like today was a good day.

I am an over-thinker, to put it lightly. I am obsessive, to put it strongly. Sometimes I get fixated on something positive that I’m excited about, but it’s more likely that I’ve found something that makes me upset to obsess over, which makes me spiral, bringing every other little imperfect thing in my life down into a depression hole. So, writing about my day only in a positive way is a little way to combat spiraling. Of course, as I am writing what happened today, I will think about how bad that one bad part was, but I don’t give it any more brain space by taking the time to write it down. Writing something really gets it in your head even more. Which is great when you’re studying for a test; not what you want to do with negative thoughts. So I write down every tiny little nice thing that happened; from “chatted with coworker. She’s nice” to “omg had an amazing time on a boat with Juliana”. But then I’ll write down “Hung out with this person” but not “and they said this thing that really bothered me and now I am rethinking my entire personality” because that’s not what I want my brain to focus on.

I don’t know about meditating or trying to reframe my thinking at every given moment of the day; I’m not attempting to “fix” my depressive anxious brain. I just found one easy practice to make me feel a little better even on crappy days. And sharing is caring, so now you know and you might want to try it.

And speaking of focusing on the positive, I am writing about this instead of one of the five things I started writing this weekend because they were all variations of “boo hoo no one likes me but I refuse to change” So. Positivity! Life is not completely terrible great!

Dear Diary, Today I wrote about gratitude for Tuesdays with Tish. I’m so proud of myself for keeping this up for so long. Love, Tish

Dear Diary, Today I wrote about gratitude for Tuesdays with Tish. I’m so proud of myself for keeping this up for so long. Love, Tish

Sharing is Caring: I saw Late Night and it is funny and full of things like shutting down straight white man privilege and women supporting women and honesty about depression and it’s great and funny so go see it and you too can be a woman (or not) supporting women (in film)!

See you next Tuesday, hopefully.

Suit up! ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I wanted to write about how I like to wear suits but I feel it is in no way related to wanting to be more masculine or my gender identity skewing masculine at all. (Because I think that’s what people might think.) But then I remembered- part of the reason I’m so into wearing suits right now is because women in suits is a thing. It’s a Cate Blanchett, Blake Lively, and other undisputedly gorgeous and feminine women thing. It’s literally no longer exclusively menswear. It’s not the 1920’s (the theme of the party I went to last week to which I wore a three piece suit complete with bow tie and fob watch); it’s not scandalous for women to wear a suit any more than it is for women to wear pants. She’s not disguising herself as a man. She’s just wearing a suit. And it’s hot.

But I think about gender a lot. Because I’m bisexual and have [attempted to] date men and women. Because I just read I’m Afraid of Men and How to Date Men When You Hate Men this weekend. Because I’m a woman-identifying person in a patriarchal society. Because I fill my social media feeds with queer comedians and writers. I think about how/why I interact socially with men and women differently. I think about how gender identity/presentation effects my attraction to each gender. I think a lot about how women are treated and portrayed in the film industry.

Sure, gender is a ~social construct~ It’s an ~illusion~ you say. Well, too bad. I wish it were, because it’s actually a very real part of how our society works and you can’t escape it because whether or not you think you treat people differently based on gender, the whole fucking world does. You gotta work to fight against the patriarchy; you can’t ignore it and live a blissful genderless life. Unless you are doing that completely removed from society in the woods; bless you for living your best life that way, most of us have to, and like to, live in ~modern society~ which comes with *shakes fist* The Patriarchy! (You’re not allowed to say “the patriarchy” without shaking your fist.)

But I’m not making a ~statement on gender expectations and the patriarchy~ by wearing a suit when I'm expected to wear a dress. I literally just think I look good in a suit! I also look hot in dresses! I’ve always worn clothes that I liked even if I knew everyone else would think is weird or eccentric or trying too hard. I wear what I want! And now that I’m so old, I’ve had plenty of time to evolve my style and settle into what I know I like, which makes shopping easier (or difficult in the summer when everything is NEON and you are strictly black and white) and makes me ~feel good~ in an “I am confident in who I am and how I am presenting myself to the world” kind of way.

So, I love wearing suits because they make me feel like an awesome sexy lady, not because I am trying to channel some powerful masculine energy. I can be sexy in a suit and bawse in a dress. Because I say so.

God damn, I need to watch this movie again and just make a shopping list based on her wardrobe. Cummerbund, gloves, pocket squares, a decorative chain…????

God damn, I need to watch this movie again and just make a shopping list based on her wardrobe. Cummerbund, gloves, pocket squares, a decorative chain…????

Sharing is Caring: K.Flay’s done it again! Listen to Sister, you cowards! Also, I highly recommend the two books mentioned above.

See you next Tuesday, in a suit.

Never Will I Ever ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Hi, I don’t want kids. Not to birth, not to raise, not to babysit, not to look at or hear or smell or be anywhere near. No to that.

Parenthood is probably the only big Never I am sure of in my life. I know this is true because I say so. And also because other big No thank yous about my life are actually not totally unimaginable like parenting. I’m very No thanks about marriage and all the (heteronormative, misogynist) traditions around it but I will admit to daydreaming about a ring on my finger and a black lace wedding dress (of course I’d wear black!). But I don’t secretly indulge in “Well I don’t really want to but if I did, this is how I would do it”-type daydreams about parenting. Have I already ruled out such traditions as my father walking me down the aisle (this is my time to shine, bitch), bridesmaids, and bouquets for my hypothetical-never-gonna-happen wedding? Yes. Have I decided what I’ll name my kid(s) and whether I’ll homeschool? No. Not even a little bit. It doesn’t appeal to me so much it’s not even a crazy wild daydream just for fun. Honestly, I’ll daydream about “What if I only had two months to live?” before “What if I had kids?”

(Wait- Is this just a cry for help from someone spending too much time in her daydream worlds than reality???)

There aren’t a lot of other Nevers for my life. Things I know I would never ever want/do if I can help it. I mean, I’m bi, I can’t even say I’d never date/love/fuck any particular type of person (except a person with kids).

They say “never say never” but I will never be a parent.

I guess I like having one thing for sure in my life, or that I know I want for my life. Except it’s something I’m sure I’ll never do. There are plenty more things that I’ll never do (“hard” drugs, murder, other major crimes if I can help it). I don’t know anything I for sure will do. But can anyone? Even when you make plans, shit happens. Because anything you plan for your life involves other people and people change. You could try to plan your career, achievements, money, life partner, your health. Nope, none of that can be set in stone.

So all you can rely on is yourself. What’s that quote- you can’t choose your circumstances, you can only choose your attitude about your circumstances? So instead of investing in the idea that your perfect life has this, that, and the other thing, you gotta work on being happy with whatever life gives you, and satisfied that you tried your best even if you don’t get the result you want. That’s hard! I just want things! I want what I want and I don’t know that feeling ~at peace with my inner being~ really feels as good as the high of getting what I want because I think I fucking deserve it.

In summary, keep your kids away from me and know that I am at any moment dissatisfied with life because I can’t have everything go exactly the way I want all the time.

And I don’t do anything I don’t want, biiiiitch

And I don’t do anything I don’t want, biiiiitch

Sharing is Caring: I’ve been catching up on Allison and Gaby’s podcast Just Between Us. Love these girls and their topixxx!

See you next Tuesday, bitches.

I used to make cakes ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I used to make cakes.

When I was at film school (2007-2008), cable TV came with my apartment, so I was watching a lot of cake shows like Ace of Cakes and all those cake competition shows. (Don’t even mention Cake Boss to me- that guy is so annoying!) That, along with the general “cupcakes are cute” trend made me want to devote my life to making cute fondant-covered cakes and cupcakes. I bought a book of vegan (I was vegetarian/trying to be vegan) cupcake recipes and $300 of cupcake supplies at Michaels (unaware of how to get the most out of Michaels with their coupons, also 18 with no concept of money management) and started making and decorating cupcakes often.

So, then I decided to go to school for baking. I mostly did not enjoy it, but I still wanted to make cakes. Got a job at Michaels and after a year there, I decided to take the Wilton cake decorating classes, with the intention of becoming a Wilton instructor after. I taught cake decorating classes for a year. I’m really glad I did that. I really love teaching. But after a year, I was getting sick of teaching the same classes every month and ready to look for a bakery job. I got lucky and found one right away.

I loved making cakes everyday. I did not love starting work at 7am and spending my days in a hairnet up to my elbows in icing. But I loved the work and some of my co-workers. Actually, that’s where I met Juliana.

While I was still just teaching the classes, I also made cakes on my own for people. Once I was working at the bakery, though, making cakes at home seemed like so much more work. At home, I had to prepare everything from scratch for each cake. At work, I grabbed a cake from the freezer, and bags of icing were already filled.

The bakery closed at the beginning of 2015 (Hydro literally came and cut off the power- the owner was a terrible business owner). And I was ready to never work in a bakery again. I know you think bakeries smell delightful when you walk in, but you get used to it. I had to just throw out the clothes that I wore at work because washing could not get out the nasty smell.

Anyway, now I only make a fancy cake for my friend Kelsey’s birthday and sometimes my own.

See you next Tuesday, fatties!

Extraverted Introvert or Introverted Extravert? ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I’m still trying to work out if I’m an introvert or an extravert.

All the introvert memes are relatable- socializing uses up my energy, I look forward to time alone after social time, I’m a homebody, I’m more comfortable with a genuine one-on-one conversation than lots of meaningless small talk.

But also- I don’t mind small talk sometimes. I used to be so socially anxious I couldn’t talk to anyone I didn’t know but now I can. And while I do like to recoup at home alone after, I look forward to socializing with one or a group of friends. And hey- I even look forward to speaking in public!

So which is it?

I think I hid my social anxieties under the introvert label for a long time. The introvert label relieved some self-hate I acquired during the depression- & anxiety-filled (although I didn’t have the words/understanding for those) teen years. I suddenly felt understood and it wasn’t just acceptable to be like this, but actually a cool thing everyone on the Internet was doing. Instead of hating myself for not being able to join in group conversations, I learned that it was okay to not talk in groups. So I started sitting quietly not riddled with anxiety and fear but a quiet self-assurance because I was comfortable with my place in the group. I wasn’t quiet out of fear; I was quiet because I was okay being quiet.

As I look back in my 20s, I can see how my social anxiety has lightened over the years. Every time I had a new social experience (leading a class, a first date, an apartment viewing, a job interview), I survived (duh) and the next similar experience was that much easier for having been through it before.

And now, while I still definitely get anxiety over new experiences, (and frankly, my anxiety feels worse than ever over certain things) I am very aware that I do many things with ease that would have crippled me with fear before. Socializing in general, with strangers, customers, coworkers, friends, first dates, is easier and less frightening (okay first dates are still pretty terrifying).

So… am I an extravert now? Do I fuel up on socializing instead of alone time? Or do I get to sound really pretentious and say “Actually, I’m an ambivert” because I have traits of both?

Because, I may want nothing more than my empty apartment at the end of a full day of being around people, but I also get lonely home alone pretty quickly. Can I get the best of both worlds? Can everyone pay attention to me and leave me alone at the same time? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

Ya, probably. But we’ll deal with my self-centered issue at another time.

He gets it- the best of both worlds.

He gets it- the best of both worlds.

Sharing is Caring: I’m not the only one scream-singing along to Halsey’s Nightmare, am I? ”I DON’T OWE YOU A GOD DAMN THING!”

See you next Tuesday, introverts!

No, I still don't have a boyfriend, Grandma ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I probably have plenty I could write about today. I’m at my parents house, staying for a couple days because my grandparents are visiting (they’re from Saskatchewan so I don’t get to see them often) so I could write about family, parents, what’s it like being old. Or I could write about this weekend at Ottawa ComicCon. What I did, who I saw, how I feel about our two panels. 

But guess what. I’m fucking exhausted. And I will be for the rest of my week off because ComicCon is exhausting. Being nervous about public speaking is exhausting. Socializing is exhausting. Being around family is exhausting. We’re all just sitting silently in the living room each reading or playing on an iPad or doing a sudoku but it’s not as relaxing as silently reading by myself at home. At any moment my grandma could ask me the eternal, never forgotten question I dread every visit or phone call: “So, do you have a boyfriend?” Part of me wants to be able to say “No, but I have GIRLfriend!” just to stir shit up but a) that is not true and b) explaining bisexuality to my grandparents sounds the MOST exhausting. 

I also didn’t bother trying to explain what I was doing at ComicCon this weekend. I guess my mom tried to explain already because Grandma said “Did your weekend go well? I don’t understand what you’re doing but I know you’re doing it.” That’s good enough for a grandma I think.

Nothing like someone totally out of touch with your world to put your accomplishments in perspective. Juliana and I worked really hard on both our presentations, were plenty nervous about speaking to a roomful of people, were happy with the audience discussions and that people came up after to take our business card and handouts. It was a success in our eyes because people seemed to enjoy it and we might have got some podcast subscribers out of it. Grandma doesn’t understand the subjects we were talking about or why people would gather to listen to someone talk about them or what a podcast is or why any recognition in this area of interest is important to us. When do you think was the last time my grandparents even saw a movie? I’m coming down off the high of doing these public things to a receptive audience and instead of basking in our success for a while, I was immediately met with people who do not care (or understand) what I just accomplished.

I mean, it is only Ottawa ComicCon. It doesn’t mean much to many people. But it’s all relative. Last year, doing the panel is what got the attention of the radio show that we now do film reviews for (when one of the regulars is away) so I was excited to see what opportunities would come from this year. I think it might just be some podcast followers. And that’s great, too. If a podcast gets uploaded and no one listens to it, does it really even exist?

Well, look at that, I managed to write about family and ComicCon after all. 

My parents’ we-live-in-the-middle-of-nowhere internet is so slow that searching for a gif was near impossible. It was easier to airdrop and upload this photo I took of the notorious duck that’s been spotted around their yard lately. Country life is so exciting.

My parents’ we-live-in-the-middle-of-nowhere internet is so slow that searching for a gif was near impossible. It was easier to airdrop and upload this photo I took of the notorious duck that’s been spotted around their yard lately. Country life is so exciting.

Sharing is Caring: My friend just made me aware of this series of weird videos and I love them: Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared. Enjoy having the songs stuck in your head like I do now.

See you next Tuesday, nerds!

Snip Snip ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Got my hair cut this morning. What’s it like to be a person who will actually tell the hairdresser when they do something you don’t like? I mean, we’re all just sitting there hoping they don’t cut too much off and wondering when they’re gonna get to that thing we specifically said we wanted at the front, right?

And, everyone breaks their neck when they wash your hair in the sink, right? Like there is no way for that to not be painful. I’m sore for the rest of the day.

I remember cringing as one hairdresser cut my bangs totally wrong and just thinking “Whatever, I’ll fix them at home.” If you go to the hairdresser every time you need your bangs trimmed… who do you think you are? If you can’t learn to keep your bangs trimmed, you don’t deserve bangs. I bet you can’t pull them off anyway. Let them grow out. They will look terrible as you do because you also don’t know how to trim your bangs to get them to blend in as they become side bangs, so that is your punishment. Why am I so harsh on bangs?

I can’t imagine going back to the hairdresser to ask them to fix something. Nope. I just live with this now. Or I will fix it myself. You know, good job, you got me this far, I’ll finish at home, thanks.

The last time I got my hair done, the hairdresser called me Lisa the whole time. I think she got confused when we were introducing ourselves because her name was Lisa. I wasn’t sure that’s what she was saying the first couple times, and by the time I realized that she was in fact adding Lisa to the ends of sentences and meant me, well, it’s too late. You can’t correct someone after you’ve answered to the name several times. My name is Lisa for the next hour until I leave here and never come back.

I used to always cut my own hair when it was short. I’d just decide one day that I wanted it even shorter and hack at it in front of the mirror. It was fine. Or it wasn’t but who cares I was young and had crazy hair. And I always cut my bangs as I grew it out. Like I thought bangs would make the rest look longer, or I could pretend it was longer if it was just long enough to pull back in a tiny ponytail and just have bangs framing my face.

Look, I’m neck deep in finishing ComicCon panel writing, so this is all my brain could think about for this week.

Well, my hair is all spiffy now, I just gotta tweak the color a bit and I’ll be all ready to present myself to ComicCon. I mean present our panels at ComicCon.

Has anyone ever felt this sensual while getting their hair cut?

Has anyone ever felt this sensual while getting their hair cut?

Sharing is Caring: Grace and Mamrie make me laugh every week with their podcast This Might Get Weird.

See you next Tuesday, weirdos.