Posts tagged Writing
30-Something ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Okay, I’m in my thirties now. Time to say goodbye to some stuff from my twenties and look forward to what I want in my thirties…

Goodbye, passive-aggressive ways of avoiding vulnerability...

In my overall effort to be a grown-ass independant 30-something woman, I will work on moving past my insecurities and the immature ways I ask for validation to combat them. My Twitter feed is full of self-deprecating jokes(?) cause “I'm scared they're all laughin', so I make the joke first, If I beat 'em to the punchline, then I can't get hurt”. God forbid, I just admit to people (IRL!) when something makes me sad or jealous or belittled; better just joke about how I don’t care about anything. My Instagram is full of selfies because it’s not enough to just look in the mirror and like what I see; I need to know that everyone else thinks I’m pretty, too. This weekly blogging is just a way to write about all my shit that I don’t like but still don’t want to admit that I need to change; I’ll just defend my worst behavior like it’s a quirky personality trait.
So, vulnerability is what I want to work on. I don’t want to be so guarded that I don’t even want to tell someone how I feel about them because it will hurt if they don’t feel the same. And then joke about how I’m a miserable cunt that no one likes, when I don’t really know if that’s true because I was too scared to be vulnerable enough to find out if anyone likes me. I want to be strong enough to be vulnerable with people and strong enough to be okay when things don’t go the way I had hoped. Oh ya, to stop putting expectations on everything and everyone and then being a pouty baby when things don’t go exactly as I wanted is a whole other thing I need to work on…

Hello, traveling alone...

It is great! I do what I want, when I want! I’m already thinking of next trips I want to take, within Canada, and that my first international trip will be England. It feels really good to be able to actually plan these trip ideas. I mean, it depends on money, of course. But other than that, my job allows me to take my vacation pretty much any time of year. I’m no longer putting trip ideas in the back of my head as “someday, when I have x, y, and z in my life, I can go on this trip.” I will be vulnerable and admit that I do want to find someone who is great to travel with and will come on these trips with me, but I am learning that wanting more does not take away from enjoying what you already have! I do what I want! I’m making things happen! I’m living my life! I am woman! Hear me roar!

Goodbye, introvert & anxiety excuses...

I wrote at the beginning of the year that I wanted to shed the label ‘introvert’ and all the limitations that I put on myself under that label. And, though I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, I feel I can say I suffer from anxiety. But, I keep doing things even though they make me anxious. It’s a step-by-step sort of journey through my anxiety, as every time I do something that made me anxious and I survive, the less anxious I am the next time I do something similar. But I still need to work on knowing if, when I opt out of something, I’m respecting my limits or limiting myself. I won’t be using ‘introvert’ or ‘anxiety’ as blanket excuses to limit myself anymore. I’ve got to remember that I am always capable of just a little bit more than I’ve done before.

Hello, career ambitions…

Twelve years after I went to the only film production college program that accepted me, I finally have narrowed down what I actually want to do in film; programming. I mean, that’s not the only thing, I want to write and some other stuff, too. But this is the specific job/path/title that I want to work toward. I’ve been working in film festivals for a few years now, in the admin side, and have been enjoying it, but not known exactly what my path in festivals would be. Look, I organize a mean spreadsheet, but that’s not really where my passion for film lies, you know? I’m fortunate to work in an organization that actually wants each person to get to do the work that they want to do. So, I have people around me supporting my interest in helping with programming here, and finding opportunities outside of our festivals. I’m in a good position to be on this career path; I’m supported, I have opportunities, I have connections. I’m confident that this is a goal I can keep working toward and that it will expand my life in general (honestly, looking for a reason to move to the west coast).


And, just for fun: Some things I’d like to say that I did in my thirties

Wrote a book. I dunno what about yet, personal essays of some theme, a collection of fairy tale retellings, I dunno, but I want the satisfaction of holding my very own physical BOOK!

Worked at several film festivals as a programmer.

Wrote for a website/publication that I actually read and love.

Went to a lot of film festivals all over the world.

Made a film. Short? Long? Zero budget? Studio project? Director? Writer? Producer? I dunno, but I wanna make something!

Was in an actual healthy, loving, nice relationship with a good person. Doesn’t have to be forever, but I hear being “in love” is pretty great. My one dalliance with it came with a lot of pain, so I’d like to try again without all the shit I put up with last time.


And if you’re wondering how 30 is going so far; I am currently dealing with both arthritis and acne. It’s all I ever dreamed it would be.

Everyone cried watching Stevie perform this, right? Not just me?

Everyone cried watching Stevie perform this, right? Not just me?

Sharing is Caring: If I haven’t mentioned her, and her book, before, I’m surprised, but I can’t say enough how much Lane More and her book How to Be Alone: If You Want to and Even if You Don’t has meant to me. The whole book, and Lane’s Twitter feed, is constant “omg I’m not the only one” feelings that are so good. I mean, if it’s not relatable, then lucky you! What a blessed life you live!

See you next Tuesday, if I haven’t rapidly aged into dust by then.

My Birthday ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

It’s my birthday in two days. I put a lot of expectations on my birthday every year. Every year I tell myself to stop it. But I can’t help it. I want it to be special. I want special attention. 

I’m a quiet person. I was a very shy kid. I always thought of my birthday as one day in the year that people around me would pay attention to me and be nice to me because they had to be; all the other kids got special attention on their birthdays. Finally, I could feel some attention and love from others which I needed but didn’t have the personality to demand everyday. The problem with this expectation is that my birthday isn’t just Tish’s Birthday to everyone around me; it’s Halloween. Kids don’t care that it’s your birthday when it’s Halloween. Costumes and candy are far more important. Even as an adult, people were more interested in Halloween parties than my birthday theme party. And then they got too old for Halloween and costumes, so they don’t care to dress up and participate in what I want to do for a birthday party. 

All I want is one day a year that everyone pays attention to me and does what I want and is nice to me and gives me things. I mean, I always want attention and love, but I’ve got it in my head that this is the one day I should expect it. So, I make plans. And then I imagine exactly how things will go; herein lies the danger. I put too much expectation on my birthday to be exactly what I want. Everything will go as planned and I’ll have fun and everyone will pay attention to me and say things to me that I want them to say. As if you can plan for what anyone else will do. I do this too much in my life already, but I just really want my birthday to be the one day where things go as I imagine. 

But, it’s just a day. I wake up. Alone. Same old. I’ve always taken the day off work (or rather scheduled around it) because who wants to work on their birthday, but then I’m just home alone all day because there’s no one to spend my birthday with when they all have to go to work. Last year was the first year I went to work on my birthday because we planned an office party of pumpkin carving and Halloween cartoons and it would be the first time I could spend my birthday surrounded by friends who like me and would make me feel special. This year will probably be even better because I’m closer friends with some coworkers, and a few friends are able to come over after work for board games.

I went on an eight-day trip to Victoria for Birthday Month, and already bought myself a birthday present (a ring), so I’ve celebrated the big 3-0 enough I suppose. As always, as I near my birthday, I start to lose interest in it because it’s not going to be exactly what I want, and I just want to get it over with so I can start Christmassing. Christmastime never lets me down. It doesn’t rely on anyone to make it special. I can watch movies, listen to music, and decorate my apartment all by myself and delight in it all by myself. I’m not expecting anyone to make my warm and fuzzy Christmastime any extra special this year.

This is all to say: GIVE ME ATTENTION! Always, but especially on my birthday. Thursday. October 31. Halloween. Don’t forget.

Me. I need to be celebrated. I’ve been alive for thirty years.

Me. I need to be celebrated. I’ve been alive for thirty years.

Sharing is Caring: The Halloween gummy worms at Bulk Barn are very delicious. That’s all.

See you next Tuesday, when I’m in my thirties.

Solo Travel, Solo Life ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Travel has always been in that Someday life I imagine for myself. I always thought I want it to be a part of my life and hopefully my career. Well, Someday catches up to you pretty fast and you realize you’re about to be 30 and you’ve passed by all your twenties’ Somedays and Hello, life is what it is and not what you thought it would be at 30 when you were 16 but also when you were 16 you never really imagined life past 30.

In my imagining of travel, I wasn’t really aware of how I was always imagining traveling with someone; that seemed like a given, I guess. Who wants to travel alone? It’s lonely, it’s not safe, it’s not as fun. I was combining two Somedays actually; travel and a significant relationship. I thought I’d have a significant other to travel with whether that was a romantic partner or a BFF. I do have a BFF that is a great travel companion but her life circumstances are not mine, so saying “Sure, I’ll go to PEI with you for a week, what else have I got to do?!” is not a response she, or most people who have to work for their money, can give.

So, because my travel Someday was tied to partner Someday I kept waiting for Someday. But it didn’t come in my twenties. I thought it had for a minute there but ya live and learn. So I’m finally old enough to look at my life and stop waiting for Someday for stuff and say- Hey, you’re almost 30. Do you want to do this or not because guess what if you wait for perfect circumstances to do something in life you’ll wait forever because it’s never the right time to do anything! Also accept that you may be single throughout your thirties as well so plan for that life, not the one you thought you’d have.

I finally said- I either go alone or I don’t go at all. So, I went alone. I planned it, I booked it, I did it. My planning was great- spending a few days in an Airbnb in downtown Victoria, so I could walk around and see the ocean and parks and gardens and museums, before renting a car (I don’t drive much, so I was anxious- but I did fine!) to get to a cottage on the ocean for a couple days. I saw and did everything I wanted to and then I sat in a little cottage and stared at the ocean for two days in the rain. Perfect!

I was worried that I’d end up actually being sad and lonely walking around there by myself but I wasn’t at all. (Okay, a little lonely when I was in the cottage with nothing to do for two full days.) I did get to spend some time with an old friend, so I wasn’t totally on my own at first. And then, walking around looking at stuff, turns out you do not need companionship to enjoy that! If anything, it’s a little better because you get to decide every little step of the way exactly what you want to do. I stopped to walk around a little garden on my way somewhere because it looked pretty. I chose which fork in the path to take around the parks and gardens. I stopped to get video of every jellyfish I saw along the breakwater because I love jellies! And even going out to eat alone is not a big deal- just bring a book to read while you wait!

I didn’t have a big I’m turning 30. I’m single. I’m alone on vacation. What am I doing with my life? I am woman, hear me roar revelation while I was there. I just enjoyed myself! I did gain some confidence, conquer some anxieties, as I always do when I do something new. I feel anxious but then I do it anyway (because everything is booked and paid for!) and as soon as I’m doing it, it’s suddenly not a big deal and I mentally give myself a gold star for doing something new! Now, I’m so pumped on the thrill of taking control of my life and going places that I’m already planning my trips for the next couple years. Guess what- no plans for anyone to join me.

I’m accepting my life of solo travel. And in general, my solo life. I’m also letting myself imagine living somewhere other than Ottawa which used to feel impossible because how could I leave my friends but my friends have their own lives that will probably stay here but I have my own life that may take me to other places. I’ve stopped waiting for my life to start after I’ve found a partner and started to make new life plans that don’t require a travel companion or a double income household. And you know what- it does make me sad but also makes me proud of myself taking charge of my life and anxiety and doing what I want, not letting anything stand between me and what I want to do in life. I’ll always think things are better with a partner (broadest sense including friends) but I’m learning to be okay with or even look forward to the things in life I will do in my own. Because that’s my life. I’m on my own. 

I’ve got my life to love and I’m here to take what’s mine.

Don’t you know happiness is not a place? It’s the road you take and who you choose to walk it with.

Don’t you know happiness is not a place? It’s the road you take and who you choose to walk it with.

Sharing is Caring: As I walked around lovely Victoria, I listened to playlists based around The Sweeplings and The Wind and the Wave. Mostly mellow, sometimes upbeat, sometimes melancholy. Perfect for wandering around by yourself on cloudy days. (Both the quotes I used are from songs from those playlists.)

See you next Tuesday, wanderers!

I Survived ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Oh, hello. I have returned. Did anyone notice or care that I missed two weeks of these posts? No. I care. I’m disappointed I won’t be able to say at the end of the year that I wrote a blog post every single Tuesday. But, I forgive myself. Yes, I should have prepared a couple posts and scheduled them but I’m a procrastinator.

The reason I couldn’t find the time or brain energy to write even something short is because I was working OIAF and then working a post-fest cold (on top of the expected post-fest exhaustion). It was a busy time! My feet still have not recovered! But I did manage to catch up on rest what with the cold making me need a 6 hour nap everyday. 

I won’t write about OIAF because, frankly, festival week is not all joy and sunshine and I won’t be writing anything less than “I love my job” about my job (because I do). And who wants to read about how sore my feet were or how I’m proud of myself for showering every night and eating non-junk food every day or how fucking tired I was after?

So, this week, I am still very busy. I leave for Victoria on Saturday morning! I’ve got things to buy and things to do and friends to see and plenty to stress about! I’ve got everything booked that needs to be booked. So, that’s good. I just get anxious about the details like forgetting to pack something (I will) and taking the bus once I’m there (no Lyft or Uber in BC!) and what if it rains (it will). But at the very least, I have places to stay and a friend there so I don’t feel totally off on my own. If I end up just reading indoors most of the time because it’s raining then so be it. If I walk around in the rain and get wet, I’ll live. If nothing else, I’m adding a new experience to my life. It won’t go exactly as planned, but it will be something I did. 

Okay, but like, how many books is too many books to bring on a week long vacation? Because I’ve got nine books I want to bring. That’s not even all my unread books, but I’m not gonna bring huge fairy tale collections. I mean, four out of the nine are about fairy tales or fairy tale retellings. So… I think I’m good. 

So, at the end of the week I might just be able to say I read books in a different part of the country. But that’s something new. 

AND THEN IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I TURN THIRTY OMG

I bet you didn’t notice or care that I didn’t post for two weeks.

I bet you didn’t notice or care that I didn’t post for two weeks.

Sharing is Caring: While I was sick on the couch all week, I played the most GORGEOUS game on my iPad; Gris. The art and animation is just SO BEAUTIFUL. And the game is simple and pleasing with puzzles that are challenging enough to make the game good but not the kind that makes me mad that I have to start levels over and over because I keep fucking up.

See you next Tuesday, in Victoria!

Recollections: The Phantom Menace
phantommenace.jpg

It was recently sometime this year the 20th anniversary of The Phantom Menace, which seems like a great time to rewatch and write about MY FAVOURITE STAR WARS MOVIE. Gasps, I hear. Ya, guess what middle-aged white men. I will defend The Phantom Menace for the same reason you will pretend these prequels don’t even exist: IT WAS MY CHILDHOOD! 😩 (that’s what you look like, you grown ass man babies)

Maybe even more than I remember the movie I remember... McDonald’s had these little POG-like things with the characters on them to collect and trade. They also had giant cups (or maybe it was the movie theatres?) with character toppers and we had Amidala (for me) and R2-D2 (for my brother). My Queen Amidala pencil tin (still have it). My droid watch “Hit the nose!” (Still have it). The Phantom Menace PC game. I know the first scene of that game (because I suck at computer games and would die and have to restart a lot) better than any scene in the movie. The podracing PC game demo that came with an issue of my brothers PC magazine, whatever it was called (possibly just PC Magazine?). I always raced as Sebulba because I liked the look of his podracer the most and also thought it was cool to play as the bad guy. And Episode 1 Monopoly (still have it).

THIS WAS MY CHILDHOOD. And you can’t take that away from me. But let’s see what rewatching the movie for the first time in nearly a decade does to my childhood memories. 

Will I ever understand galactic politics?
I never understood what was going on in Star Wars. Princess Leia needs help because bad guys blow up her planet, but, like, rebels and alliance? No, Alliance is Firefly… the Republic? This movie is about the Trade Federation… I don’t know what invading Naboo with droids and killing people has to do with interplanetary trade laws… I know Amidala is a Queen (and a kween, gurl). There are Senators and Chancellors and a Supreme Chancellor. The system works too slow for Amidala’s liking and yet election for the new Supreme Chancellor takes only a few days? With all this technology, they can’t send some evidence of millions of droids on a planet? I’ll never understand any of this; I’ll stop trying.

Are we not supposed to notice the difference between the CG and practical effects?

It is jarring. It is like watching the original trilogy and you get the cantina scene and suddenly the band is CG instead of puppets and you’re like- Damnit, this is the terrible remastered version! I just need consistency within a movie so I can suspend my disbelieve evenly throughout. The practical stuff looks great! It’s real! The CG stuff makes me remember this is a movie because that is obviously FAKE. And I don’t mean Jar Jar, or like a whole CG sequence like when they’re underwater. Some scenes have the same thing practical one shot and then totally CG next time you see it and, like, what is real? What is a movie? What is happening?

Did the editor think that swipe transitions would save the disjointed scenes?

This movie jumps around between so many story lines I have no idea what is going on in any of them, or how time is passing. We’re on Naboo, we’re on a space station, here’s this evil guy, here’s the jedis, here’s some droids. There’s no flow; only swipes. Even within scenes, actors’ lines are delivered as if they’re each cut from a separate scene, as if no one is acting with anyone, and everything feels like ADR. “I have exposition.” “I also have exposition” *side swipe* “I have exposition about the trade federation.” “Fact about the trade federation.” *swipey swipe* “Me sa Jar Jar! Me sa make no blipblop googly ding dong sense! Oopsie swoopsie!” “Serious jedi wisdom in complete opposition in tone from the rest of the scene.” THIS IS THE MOVIE, FOLKS! What are the stakes at any given moment? A scene starts out implying great peril, but they escape without any conflict so I’m not sure what the point of anything is. I don’t want to blame the editors completely as this is what they had to work with but surely something smoother could have been put together?

Can I make Darth Maul a bisexual icon?
Look; we know from his lightsaber that he swings both ways. And aside from the teeth, Darth Maul can GET IT. He’s got a deep sexy voice, sick dance/fight moves, and an exclusively black wardrobe. Darth Maul > Kylo Ren. Maul isn’t a whiny emo kid. He’s grown-ass goth man. I have to question his reflexes, though. There’s one part of the fight with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan when they jump over to join him on another walkway and he just lets them jump over within a foot of him and doesn’t, say, slice em up as they somersault toward him. Missed opportunity, man. 

Who is Amidala’s personal stylist?
Both Natalie Portman and her identical twin Kiera Knightly are killing it. This is the only part of this movie that should live on forever.

Were we not supposed to know Palpatine is evil?

I didn’t rewatch Episodes 4-6 before this, but he’s in those right? So, watching this we know he’s the hooded hologram? I mean, he’s clearly evil. He’s an old white man telling a young woman what to do. I’m a firm believer that a movie has to exist on its own. Even a sequel or part of a series or franchise. I shouldn’t have to watch something else to be able to watch a movie. Or read a comic or book. Or watch interviews wherein the filmmakers explain the movie. The movie speaks for itself. So I shouldn’t know who Palpatine is and be surprised that it’s him in the end. Or is that not revealed in this movie? I forget already. See- it’s confusing when movies rely on outside source material! What order should I watch these in? What am I supposed to know or not know to watch this film?!

Is Anakin Jesus?
This isn’t a question, really, but I have created a format for this post that I will stick to, because of course Anakin is Jesus. “There was no father…” When I was young, I thought she was just being like “I didn’t need no man to raise a kid! I did this on my own!” But now the immaculate conception explanation is just so obvious. And then later when Qui-Gon says the midichlorians just got together inside her and created him… So then mom is the one that’s pretty amazing, she must have had a lot of midichlorians and stupid Anakin stole them. Also- she’s a slave… no one wants to say it but… rape? And then traumatic denial of it? Just saying...

Final Question: Is it worth the rewatch?
I’d say, ya, if you’re a Star Wars fan and want to relive the whole saga, it would include this movie, but apparently Star Wars “fans” like to pretend these prequels don’t exist so they wouldn’t watch them anyway. So… no? I don’t think I ever need to watch it again. It just made me miss my old Phantom Menace computer games… Life was simpler then… 

Oh, I get it… Darth Maul is the titular menace.

Like, I have a job! ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I do not have the mental energy to put my thoughts into words here. I couldn’t even pick one of my half-written ideas to go off as a starting point. It’s crunch time, folks!

My job is very cool. But this time of year it’s not cool like watching films and meeting filmmakers and throwing fun parties and watching screeners and designing posters. It’s going between several multi-tab Google sheets to correlate information so that it all makes sense. Does it all make sense? We won’t know until it goes into action next week. I’m in charge of the venues front of house (box office) and anywhere else we have money. I gotta know who has it and for what and make sure they return it to me. I also have got schedules coming out of my butt for all of the staff running said venues and anywhere there is money. I’ve got instructions to print and put in binders, I’ve got more Google sheets to prepare, tomorrow I get all the iPads that I have to set up with all the apps they’ll need and logged in and set up. And signage! I love designing stuff and I think the templates I made are super cute but now I’ve got tabletop signs with prices to make, directional signage for every floor of this maze of a building, different directional signage just for the big building-wide party.

Okay this is just me writing out my work to-do list. But this is all that’s on my mind! I’m not thinking about anything else so I can’t write about anything else!

Being a part of a huge, fun event is amazing. It’s the good kind of busy. It’s the good kind of exhaustion. But it is hard. You’re never as ahead-of-schedule as you try to be. You can’t just work on one thing at a time because something is always coming up. There’s no such thing as “not in my job description” because it is “all hands on deck” time.

The office is full of all our contract staff and I want to strangle any one who utters a word of conversation that is not work related. There’s enough noise from people doing their jobs, I don’t need to also hear about your hometown or what you thought of the Joker trailer. You need to calm DOWN. You’re being too LOUD. As Taylor Swift says.

I love the Festival. But I also really love when it’s over.

Positively. Bedeviled.

Positively. Bedeviled.

See you next Tuesday with a pre-written scheduled post because it will be Festival Week!

Autumn ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

It is Autumn. I say so. Last year I wanted it to be autumn half way through August, but this year my personal seasonal feelings lined up with the weather more and September started off chilly and I was all about it.

I spent the weekend doing things instead of my recent routine of watching about 5 movies per weekend (despite this, I am nowhere near my total movie watching goal for the year and, even if I continued this through the end of the year, it would not be enough). I put my air conditioner away and brought out my keyboard since that floor space was open. Whether or not I spend much time practicing remains to be seen (unlikely as this is a busy time of year for me). I drew a new design on my whiteboard, which I change seasonally. It says “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers” because Anne Shirley is very wise. I replaced my summer scented candles with the autumn scents. And lit them all at once and refused to acknowledge that they set off my allergies because I’ll be damned if I ever give up my scented candles. Scent is very important in the overall seasonal vibes. I only had a couple things to bring out of the storage closet in the way of autumnal decor, but it felt very autumnal in here all weekend because of those scented candles. Oh, also, while going through stuff in the storage closet, I decided to throw all my old notebooks and diaries and sketchbooks in the recycle because why I am I even keeping them? Do I ever read through them? No. My teenage diaries are depressing as fuck. No thank you. Byeeee. I went to Michaels for my yearly Halloween decorations (aka home decor) haul and came back with four more things to put on my one wall that is full of Michaels Halloween decor (I keep the rest of the apartment pretty minimal) and two pillows to add to the sofa. Basically, I cleaned up and dusted everything and moved around some decor and now my apartment is really not much different but it feels different for a new season and that is what matters. I won’t be spending a lot of time in here for the next few weeks as I work longer hours and then, the week of the Festival, only come home to sleep and not even a full 8 hours of that. 

I enjoy seasonal living. I like having traditions to look forward to and new things to do every few months. I like the comfort of getting out the same decorations and watching the same movies and tv at the same times of year. But also the excitement of always something new on the horizon. I’m already looking forward to all the traditions and new things that come with Christmastime, but I’m in no hurry as I am ready to enjoy autumn first.

My seasons are:
September 1 - first week of November: Autumn / Birthday season
Second week of November - first week of January: Christmastime
January - March: S.A.D.
March - April: Spring? Is that you? Please?
May: Balcony season
June - August: Hot and sweaty

So, welcome to Autumn. If you need something aside from scented candles to get you in the mood, check out my Autumn Watchlist. And start thinking about what you’re going to get me for my birthday!

So excited for fall foliage!

So excited for fall foliage!

See you next Tuesday, Pooh.

Imaginary Boyfriend ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I watched a movie today about a 26-year-old woman who still has her imaginary friend and he kinda starts to become real and is in love with her. Anyway, it was a bit weird but I could relate to it in a metaphorical way. The imaginary (boy)friend. She has to pretend he’s not there around other people but she knows he’s always there, telling her what he thinks, wanting her to ditch this other guy and just hang out with him.

Sometimes it felt like my boyfriend was imaginary. Like he was just in my head. When we were together, he existed in my phone and in my head. And after we ended it, he still lived in my head. When we were together, I was constantly imagining what if he were here. What would we be doing. And, of course, imagining our future together. How we’d spend holidays, trips we’d take, relationship milestones. The longer we were apart (physically) the more he became my imaginary boyfriend. The less he texted me, the more time I had to play out situations in my head with my perfect boyfriend. The boyfriend he would become once he moved back and we could really be together because that would fix all our problems, of course. 

There’s a part in one of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books where Lena is constantly imagining Kostas (her lost love) is with her. What would he say to her, what would he do in this situation. Would he be disappointed in her or proud of her. I had that for a while after we ended it. I had spent so long waiting for him to be here, in my life. Everything I did, I thought he should be here for this. I was at my office Christmas party watching everyone do karaoke thinking I was supposed to have my boyfriend here for this. I wonder what song he would have karaoke’d. I wonder if my coworkers would have liked him. It was a mental habit that was difficult to break. But, like everything else that lingered after our communication ended, it just took time to get better.

I really don’t think about him anymore, unless something strongly reminds me of him. (Sometimes I realize that something that used to remind me of him doesn’t anymore and I smile to myself.) I used to imagine often what if he showed up. How would I react? I thought I’d be so overwhelmed with emotion I’d just want to hold him and kiss him; something I wanted for so long. But then what? I’d be so mad at him, I’d just yell at him everything I wish I could yell at him. And I could never consider being in a relationship with him again. Even if I could forgive him, I can’t trust him. More often now, if a song spurs some daydream of seeing him again, I imagine I just tell him to leave me alone. He has no place in my life.

It’s been almost two years since I last saw him and almost a year since he told me he wasn’t coming back. I’m looking forward to enjoying the Christmas season this year without a post-break-up depression.

🎵 I forgot that you existed. And I thought that it would kill me but it didn’t. And it was so nice, so peaceful and quiet. I forgot that you existed. It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference. 🎵

Ya, that seems like a better idea.

Ya, that seems like a better idea.

Sharing is Caring: I’ve been filling my weekends with movies. Both for work (I have to watch screeners, I’m a very cool industry insider, guys) and for my own enjoyment. You can see most of what I watch on the Rated F Instagram stories. I’m just gonna recommend one to you today; I Kill Giants. It’s on Netflix, so no excuses. It is also a movie that could be taken literally or metaphorically. I think it’s much more fun if she’s literally a giant killer, but you may want to go straight to the child psychology explanation.

See you next Tuesday, my imaginary readers.

Autumn Watchlist
autumnwatchlist.jpg

If there’s one thing I love, it’s telling people what to do. And movies. Telling people what movies to watch? A dream. (Literally my dream job- film programmer.) I like to live seasonally. I have home decor that I change with the seasons, wardrobe, music, and, of course, movies and TV that I watch at certain times of year.

Juliana was too busy packing and moving to contribute to this watchlist, but expect more seasonal watchlists from us! (Honestly, there may be more than one for Christmastime alone.) For now, get cozy on the couch in a knit sweater with a cup of hot apple cider, or maybe that bag of Halloween candy that you bought just for yourself because you’re too old for trick-or-treating, and watch these movies and TV shows this autumn. Whether you’re craving gorgeous autumnal color schemes or pre-Halloween spooky-but-classy vibes, I’ve got it.

(It’s also important to note that our birthdays signify the beginning and end of Autumn. Juliana on August 31 and me on Halloween. So, wish Juliana a happy birthday, watch all this stuff, then wish me a happy birthday!)

Gilmore Girls
September 2012 I decided that Gilmore Girls was distinctly back-to-school/autumnal vibes and so I would rewatch it every September. What makes it so autumnal? It could be that every season begins with Rory going back to school amidst the faux-Connecticut fall foliage. Or that every DVD set has the titular girls posing with a fallen leaves motif. Is watching the entire series every year too much? For some shows, sure, but I’m somehow not sick of the Gilmores yet and every year I get more of their pop culture references.

The Cartoons
Over the Garden Wall, Ruby Gloom, Hilda
Some of the best animated shows that I’ve seen (and I work for an animation festival- brag) also happen to be perfectly suited to autumn/Halloween watching. All three of these shows will give you leaf-heart-eyes; spooky forests, creepy house, mythical creatures. I can’t do the color schemes justice with only words! You’ll just have to watch them for yourself.

The Addams Family
The Addams Family, Addams Family Values, The New Addams Family
No, I will not be watching the new movie. It. Looks. Terrible. I’m so disappointed. Better to stick with the legends Angelica Huston and Christina Ricci. And for longer-lasting Addams vibes I’ll put on the silly Canadian sitcom, The New Addams Family

The Witches
The Craft, Practical Magic, American Horror Story: Coven
I’m a witch all year round but October is time to go all in. I could write a whole piece about how The Craft made me who I am today (look at my wardrobe). AHS: Coven also has major wardrobe goals and extreme power dynamics at play. Witches are all about wardrobe- I mean- power. I watch witches to power up pre-birthday! (I turn 30 on Halloween WTF)

The Halloween movies for your inner child
Halloweentown (1-4), Ernest Scared Stupid, Double Double Toil and Trouble, Hocus Pocus, Casper, The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror
If you’re not watching Hocus Pocus every October, what are you even doing with your life? The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror episodes are a great way to watch horror movies without having to actually watch them.

The Hallmark movies
Autumn Dreams, Harvest Moon, October Kiss
Netflix has seemingly infinite Hallmark/Lifetime/sappy movies for Christmastime, but what about when you need some romantic sap in the fall? These three Hallmark movies may be totally predictable and saccharine-sweet, but- well, that’s it really. That’s what they are, take it or leave it. I’ll take it!

Anne of Green Gables
Anne with an E, Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea
Last summer, I had my heart set on going to PEI for my time off in October. (It didn’t happen- but next year!) So, I decided I better check out Anne with an E to get into a PEI mood but I got so much more than that. Anne with an E is honestly one of the best TV shows I’ve ever seen. Anne Shirley is such an amazing character, whether it’s this new (queer!) show from CBC, the original mini series, or the book. Why is it autumnal watching? You get to see all four PEI seasons throughout the show but season 2 starts with her much-Pinterested quote “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers!” *queue happy tears*

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell
So happy to make this a new yearly rewatch. Christine is like Morticia’s crafty sister. Watching her create delicious spooky treats and decor would make this a very soothing show to watch if it were not for her hilarious Jim Henson creature roommates making you cackle.

Coraline
I’m including Coraline this year because I am going to be Coraline for Halloween. And it’s probably my favorite animated film, and it’s got spoopy vibes perfect for pre-Halloween season.

The Book of Life
As Juliana reminds me every time we mention this movie “It was our first date!” I am aware that Día de los Muertos is not Halloween. But, come on. Skelly vibes.

Rated FTish ChambersWriting
What’s up ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Welcome to Tish creates a blog post on her iPad in bed because it is 11pm and she wants to keep her commitment to herself to publish a post every Tuesday.

So, obviously I am busy if I haven’t made the time to write something for this earlier. How about I just write about what I’ve been up to? I say it’s okay.

Well, tonight Jed came over to record a podcast with me and Juliana. Jed is awesome. I helped on her short film last month and I’m going to help out on her last shoot day on Saturday. So proud of her! She’s moving to Toronto for school in a week and I will miss her. We met at work. All the cool people I’ve met at work that I want to be friends with leave the city. It’s so unfair.

Work is getting busier. No overtime yet but like I didn’t have time today to write this while at my desk because I was really into what I was working on. Several multi-tab spreadsheets were involved. I’m in charge of venues, box office, anything with cash. So I have a whole system of keeping track of who’s got what and deposits and devices. Pretty happy I got this done today because last year it was something I was creating the weekend before the Festival. I hope I can stay ahead on everything else I’ve got to do. I’ve written more than once already about how I like to be kept busy with work so I don’t need to tell you how rewarding this is.

Despite the busy-ness at work and Juliana packing up to move (into my building!!!) we have been keeping on schedule with Rated F. We’ve got a written price for this Friday and the next few things planned so we don’t actually have to record until drunk Halloween episode.

I’m applying for a job as a programmer at another film festival. (As a part-time second job! I don’t want to leave the CFI!) No idea if I have a shot, but I’m not not qualified so maybe!? I had my coworker look at my cover letter and resumé and I basically redid the whole letter because of her very helpful notes, so I feel pretty confident. I would LOVE this job. I’m fairly certain programming is really the film job I want to do. I love telling people what to watch. And part of programming is writing about the films. And filmmaker Q&As and stuff on stage. It’s everything I love! I love movies!!!

Is this 500 words yet? I really try to write at least 500 every week. Maybe I should up that for next year. I’m also thinking of doing one Tuesdays with Tish video every month next year. Haven’t made a video in a long time.

I’m gonna be Coraline for Halloween. I try to work with my hair for costumes. This year it’s a blue bob, so… Coraline.

Okay time for bed.

I’m a rewatching Charmed.

I’m a rewatching Charmed.

Sharing is Caring: say hello to my new obsession, Loora Wang. I want to be her. Don’t ask wtf are these videos or wtf is tiktok. It doesn’t matter. Just watch her. Experience her energy. She is my new role model. Also now I want that haircut?!

love me love me love me ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

‪I’m just a super cynical bitch who doesn’t want to date and is real sick of not being able to watch movies/tv or listen to music without a romantic storyline.‬ 

‪But also would just love for someone to come into my life and sweep me off my feet in a very gross romantic way.‬

I’m this cynical cold hearted bitch but I have an undercurrent of love me love me love me love me. I don’t want to put myself out there but I want everyone to fall at my feet because I’m so loveable. I’m not. I’m a crusty old turd. I’m not fun. I’m not social and warm and joyful. I like what I like; which is very few and specific. I’m uncomfortable with new things happening. I’m displeased if a new situation doesn’t go the way I would like it to. 

I actually don’t think of myself as someone who can’t find joy in things but apparently that is the vibe I’m giving off. I find that disappointing. I don’t think of myself that way. I joke about hating everything but I actually love a lot of stuff. Or maybe I just really love some stuff. Just a few people and a few activities and a few conversation topics and a few hobbies. I guess I also hate a lot of stuff… or a few things bug me a lot

I think I somehow manage to have both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Anxious because I crave intimate relationships (romantic and platonic) but always assume people don’t reciprocate my feelings to the same degree, which makes me retreat and not want to even bother. But avoidant because I tell myself, and everyone who will listen/read, that I’m fine without a romantic relationship and who needs friends when you have Netflix. I’m probably overcompensating for the vulnerability of anxious attachment by trying to be the opposite. Or maybe I really can be fine without intimacy (romantic or platonic) and also want it. It is possible to want more while being happy with what you have, right?

It’s only when something reminds me of romantic relationships that I remember I want that. Most of the time I’m too busy being awesome and thinking about what more I want in the career part of my life to think about what more I want in personal relationships part of my life. I’m not sure where I got the idea that the personal relationships part of my life shouldn’t take any effort. That everyone should give me plenty of love and attention and flattery while I give nothing back. I do think I give a lot of attention to close friends/relationships; I love showing the people I care about that I think they’re awesome and what they mean to me. But I guess, because of the insecure anxious attachment thing, that I need the other person to show me how much they care about me before I feel safe sharing how much I care about them because unrequited feelings are the worst thing that can happen to me. Apparently? I mean, it certainly doesn’t feel great! Whether it’s a crush or a friend, being rejected or just let down really hurts! Not to mention my one and only romantic relationship that turned into a whole lot of me feeling unloved and unwanted. I’ve said before, I’m sure, that I struggle with feeling unlovable. Feeling like I’m making progress with someone and then feeling like they aren’t as into it as I am really hits me hard and makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there. 

Once again, this thing has no point other than to express my simultaneous high and low self esteem with a “Why isn’t everyone in love with me?” (They should be because I’m awesome but they’re not so I must be unlovable.)

*extreme Panic! At the Disco voice* ...walking contradiction...

See, even Beyoncé feels unlovable sometimes.

See, even Beyoncé feels unlovable sometimes.

Sharing is Caring: Since that one song is stuck in my head now because that one line that popped into my head, I’ll recommend you listen to A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out by Panic! At the Disco for old times’ sake. It’s one of a few albums from my teen years that I can still put on and be fully into, un-ironically.

See you next Tuesday, lovers.

Bi(sexual) ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I am queer (bisexual). But I don’t feel a part of the “queer community” apart from filling my Internet spaces with queer people. I don’t have IRL queer community. None of my close friends are queer (as far as they’ve let me know). I haven’t made a lot of new friends outside of workplaces in my twenties. I don’t seek out queer events/groups because I don’t seek out any groups because I’m an introvert happier at home or with my close friends, not trying to make new ones. But dating queer women would put me in the queer community. But I don’t really date. I’ve had one relationship with a straight man. 

To be blunt, and possibly unfair, I feel I’m being left out of the queer community because i’m not fucking the queer community.

I know I’m not being left out; I’m choosing not to join in. But my point is that, to me, the queer community feels like it’s based around dating. That’s how you meet more queer people and, to an extent, prove your queerness. Because if I were dating and fucking a lot- but only straight men- then I wouldn’t be socializing within the queer community. And wouldn’t even be seen as queer or queer enough by some people.

There’s a whole part of being queer/in the queer community that I’m missing out on by not having sex, or at least not having same-gender sex. A lot of it is stereotypes jokes. But I can have no comment on that; I couldn’t joke with other queer women about what it’s like to date and fuck women. That sense of finding my people, the people with whom I have something in common, isn’t there if I’m still missing out on a big part of being queer.

I recently read Would You Rather? A Tale of Growing Up and Coming Out in which author Katie Heaney describes her journey of discovering her sexuality in her late twenties. (Her first memoir Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date was, as the title suggests, very relatable to me as well.) After she comes out and starts to date her girlfriend, she struggles with finding a place in the queer community; from changing how she dresses to finding queer friends. I usually see this kind of stuff portrayed in a supportive way; let’s welcome our baby gays and show them our queer community. But, like maybe that’s just on the Internet??? Or just for gays and lesbians??? I just can’t imagine anyone welcoming me into their queer world like Hey girl, welcome to being bisexual- it would be like Hey welcome to dating queer women. But I’m like- can I be queer and hang out with queer people without dating them? Or anyone maybe?

Well, this is just another Tuesday of me writing boo hoo I don’t fit in, isn’t it? I guess I’m just struggling lately to find places in media, and real life, that represent those of us for whom dating and sex are just not a priority. It seems like everything is based around dating, relationships, sex. But some of us aren’t bothered and are doing other things. But it can feel difficult to embrace ones queerness without sex/dating/relationship experience to be the common experience within the community. 

I’m sure some people won’t understand how I can be so adamant that I’m so queer when I’m not fucking/dating other women (or even trying to date currently). But I am. Very queer. And very sick of queer representation being based on sexual and romantic relationships.

I’m just looking for more from the queer community than hot singles in my area, you know?

I’m just looking for more from the queer community than hot singles in my area, you know?

Sharing is Caring: I’ve been listening to Pretty Girls Don’t Cry by Anna Akana for a while, but allow me to just share and accentuate the lines Had a boy crucify my heart on Christmas / Spent the new year feelin’ real twisted / But now I’m ten times more ambitious / My career's going motherfucking vicious / And that boy about to be a witness / To the limitlessness of how I kill business which I have been strongly singing along to as I feel lately that my career is indeed on the verge of going motherfucking vicious. (Also, my life is so much better since that messy relationship ended.)

See you next Tuesday, queerdos.

Get It Done! ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

What is this pressure, and guilt, I feel that I must constantly be productive?

It’s something I’ve always felt because I always have my creative projects that I’m working on that I’m not working on enough. There’s always something on the back burner that I want to do but I feel I should finish or focus on something else first. The guilt is completely self-inflicted as I have never had anyone on the Internet expecting anything from me. 

And then there’s the constant to-do list. One for the week, one for the weekend. It’s a long weekend and instead of just relaxing because I don’t have to work, I’m staring at a to-do list of household tasks and bits of my own projects I want to do, feeling bad I only checked off two things on Saturday and today, Sunday,  should I go for a bike ride and read in a park somewhere or stay home and tackle this list. And this is a LONG weekend! I have another day but I’m still trying to be productive on a Sunday!

Don’t mistake this for Tish is so ambitious and always busy and always doing things. No. My point is- I am lazy and don’t do things because there is too much to do; I get choice paralysis and do nothing instead and just feel the guilt of I should be more productive and checking more off my to-do list but I’m torn because part of me just really wants to do a puzzle this weekend!

I don’t even have hobbies. I turn everything into #content. I like to practice the piano but I get frustrated by anything I’m not immediately good at or at least can’t enjoy as much unless I’m doing it right and I like to practice but I also have the goal in mind of learning this song and once I do, I will make a video of me playing and singing. I rarely play video games because it feels like a waste of mental energy to be using the productive part of my brain on something that actually has no real world rewards. I had the thought to do these terrible little drawings of movie scenes I used to do in my younger days, when I was just creative for the sake of being creative not with an Instagram photo in mind, but I didn’t just think That’d be fun to draw again I thought Oh this will add to Rated F content

And I hate the pressure that Summer adds to everything! Gotta get out there and enjoy this weather! Get on your bike! Make plans with friends! Or even just that I better get up and do groceries right away before it’s smothering hot later in the day. Instead of just doing what I want when I want! I’m still enjoying my cozy bed! My brain doesn’t want to think yet! Yes, I know I will enjoy the out of doors once I’m there but how about right now my body wants to be cozy not active. But if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty when I’m back at work on Tuesday and coworkers ask what I did with my long weekend and I’ll say “Not much”. 

This is just my life. I don’t know what it’s like to be a person who just comes home from their day job and relaxes with some Netflix or does their chores or a hobby with no worry about having to get more work done, just enjoying leisure time. Yes, I have plenty of leisure time but in my head it’s wasted time that I should be working. I just can never decide what exactly I should be working on! I don’t know how to prioritize it all because dirty dishes don’t seem like an immediate concern but then these deadlines I give myself for this blog or podcast episodes are for no one but myself so it’s like a false sense of priority. Should I do laundry or edit and post a podcast? Well, either way, tomorrow I’m gonna feel bad because I don’t have clean underwear or because I feel like I failed to stick to yet another deadline. It’s usually both because I chose to do neither instead of choose one.

My coworker and I sing this at each other on days we’re just not feeling it.

My coworker and I sing this at each other on days we’re just not feeling it.

Sharing is Caring: The above gif is from the Team Starkid musical Firebringer and you should watch it because it’s funny with great music and unlike their first and most well-known musical, A Very Potter Musical, the production quality is quite good and they wear mics so you can actually hear them.

See you next Tuesday, I forgot I used to sign off with this!

Taking a Compliment ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

When people say someone doesn’t know how to “take a compliment” they usually mean like that person has such low self-esteem they will deny the validity of the compliment; “No, it’s not that great.'' Or it’s a thing that a guy yells at a woman after he calls out a “compliment” at her as she walks by on the street and she doesn’t seem to appreciate his generous gift, then the bitch needs to learn to just take a compliment.

Some people might say I don’t know how to take a compliment because I don’t usually say “thanks” after someone shares their opinion of, say, my physical appearance. I usually agree with them, so I say something like “I know” or “Ya, duh” if I’m feeling sassy. (When am I not?) I just don’t see why I should thank someone for sharing their opinion of me that I didn’t directly ask for. I’d much rather share in the “Tish looks great” vibes by saying I agree.

One time a man walked past me on the sidewalk and said “You look gorgeous!” I didn’t react and kept walking so he shouted from behind me “I’m allowed to say that; I’m gay!” Um… “allowed”? Anyone’s allowed to say anything on the sidewalk. Sexual preferences don’t factor in when I hear a man’s voice say something about my appearance at me. Also, again, YA I KNOW BISH! LIKE I CARE IF YOU AGREE?!

I’ll say “thanks” if someone compliments something I worked on. Sometimes it is as simple as an outfit I put together or as much as a piece of writing I worked hard on. Then, thank you for appreciating my work. I did that. But just “I like your physical appearance” wtf I don’t need to thank you for that. What are you doing for me that I need to thank you for?

What is a compliment? It’s a statement of opinion, right? “I like your hair.” “[In my opinion,] your hair looks amazing.” Okay. If I don’t know you- I don’t care what you think. If a friend says it then I probably would say “thanks” because it’s a friend showing a friend some love and positivity. Especially between women it’s not just “I like your new haircut” it’s a whole discussion on why you cut it, how you did it yourself and did a good job, it really compliments your face, yes this is more you than your last cut, do you love it? Good, I’m glad you’re happy with your new haircut. It’s not about their opinion so much as it’s about celebrating your choice to cut your hair or wear that thing or do a good job in something and celebrating that you are happy and your friend is happy for you. So thank you, friend, for your support. Stranger- I didn’t ask for your opinion. The hubris to assume a stranger wants your opinion on their looks- I cannot imagine

A few weeks ago, on my way to work, a man followed me off the sidewalk to tap me on the shoulder, startling me as I was listening to music, just to say “I like the hair” I quickly replied with “Okay” as I turned to continue walking into the building. YOU FOLLOWED ME OFF THE SIDEWALK AND TOUCHED ME WITHOUT CONSENT SO YOU COULD GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY OWN HAIR?!?! Who the fuck do you think you are, Anna Wintour? (I don’t know a famous hair person- Vidal Sassoon is a person?) To believe you would make my day or life better by doing that- WOW. Wow. (Men, amiright?)

So, basically, I don’t care about your opinion of me unless I’ve asked you for your opinion, okay?

Thank you, Moira.

Thank you, Moira.

Sharing is Caring: This whole Twitter thread of movie scenes with different songs is pure gold and made my day. Enjoy. (When you think the thread is over- there is more!)

Too Good to Be True ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

My life is pretty good right now. Brag. I love my job; my coworkers are friends, I like the work I do, I see how this job will lead to more work I want to do, and I make enough money. I have close friends that make me feel happy and loved, and I have some new friends that are pretty great, too. It’s summertime; okay sometimes it’s too hot but overall summer is nice. I’m not dating because I don’t want to be, I’m not pining over anyone, and I feel completely over my last relationship. I am enjoying my time that I work on my creative projects, like my podcasts and writing this every week, and feel excited about plans for upcoming projects to start. I feel confident, beautiful, and healthy. Life is good. But...

Even when things are going well and I want to bask in the good feelings of “I have things I used to only dream of having” and “I'm looking forward to these great things that are to come” my Depression Monster™, though quite small during these times, is still there and pokes its head in to say “It’s not actually that great; you’re forgetting this downside” and “That dream will never actually happen” and “Something bad is coming because good things don’t last.”

This was recently brought on by hearing from my best friend that she and her boyfriend had narrowed down their apartment search to two choices, one being in my building. We both were excited about the idea of being able to conveniently hang out (and record podcasts). But I thought “Ah, it probably won’t actually happen; that would be too awesome. That’s the kind of silly fun idea you dream up when you’re little but life is not Friends.” But then she told me that they had chosen an apartment in my building; deposit, lease, and everything. It’s really going to happen. I even said “Ohmygod, it’s like a new phase of our friendship!” But then that little Monster was like “Okay, calm down. It’s not going to be as great as you think. You still won’t hang out all the time; she has a boyfriend she wants to hang out with that’s why she’s moving in with him. This will not be as great as you are imagining it will be.

And this is what I was referring to when writing about my Core Desired Feeling of Hope and how my depression is characterized by hopelessness. See, even when I have great hope, Depression Monster™ says “Don’t get your hopes up.” 

So, I have to remind myself of just how far I’ve come in my life. And that sometimes things do work out. Sometimes the things I hope will be great really are great. When I was done my contract job at the CFI, I wished and dreamed that someday they’d create a new full-time staff position that I would get- and they did. For years, I wanted to take a birthday trip with a best friend or bf/gf to my hometown for nostalgia and for how much I missed the lake- and Juliana and I went and I had the greatest few days of my life. I finally moved out of the basement apartment and I’m still very happy with my new apartment. I wanted to start a podcast to talk about movies but didn’t have anyone to do it with and then I became friends with Juliana. Sometimes things work out and are as great as I hoped they would be!

So, fuck you, Depression Monster™! I’m gonna keep Living My Best Life and not listening to you. Even if things aren’t going to go the way I hope they will, I’d rather spend my time being happy and hopeful than a bummer who can’t find joy in anything. (Remind me of this when I’m fighting SAD and I wish I were dead next January.)

Oh, Patrick. Living his best life, being hella gay.

Oh, Patrick. Living his best life, being hella gay.

Sharing is Caring: If you don’t know who Christine McConnell is and what she does; it’s time to get on board. She’s been sharing her spooky creations on Instagram for years, last October her Netflix show (part DIY instructional, part hilarious Jim Henson creatures) The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell premiered and tragically didn’t last, so now she’s making her own show on YouTube, From the Mind of Christine McConnell. If you’re a fan of fancy vintage style and spooky shit, Christine is the lady for you. She might be Morticia Addam’s crafty sister.

I'm a Selfless Angel ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

This weekend I helped my friend/coworker on her first short film shoot. I went to film school twelve??? years ago, but since then haven’t been on any type of film shoot, so I was excited to get back on a set because I remember loving it. I was not so excited to be on set (or “on location” I guess) for 12+ hours two days in a row instead of having my usual lazy weekend, but I knew it would be worth it for my own experience and to help out my friend as much as possible. To no one’s surprise, my feet were very sore at the end of the first day and two days later I am still very tired but damn if I didn’t love it.

I thought being on a shoot would inspire me to want to shoot my own stuff, but my initial reaction was one closer to “Fuck, I forgot how much work this is; how tedious it can be to do take after take just for one very short shot.” But, yes, throughout the weekend I also had my moments of wishing I were the one behind the camera, setting up my shots, telling my crew what to do, working hard to create my own masterpiece. But also I was very tired. And being so tired and so devoted to working hard on something that wasn’t my own masterpiece was a new experience for me.

I had a weird feeling towards the end of the first day when I felt like I was coming out of a state, it almost felt like dissociating, or coming back into my own mind after a time of dissociating. I was just suddenly aware of what I was doing… I had been completely focused on something other than myself, my wants/needs/thoughts, all day. I’m a very self-centered person, as I’m sure I’ve said a million times before, so to spend that long without really thinking of myself and what I want was unusual, and turns out a great mental relief, actually. Is that maybe what meditating or being present or whatever is about? I wasn’t thinking about my own internal self thoughts, or comparing what was happening around me to something else I wanted to think about, or thinking about what I’d rather be doing. It was a break from the non-stop internal dialogue I have with myself all day everyday. I was completely focused on something outside of myself and being of service to someone else. I wasn’t thinking about what I wanted to do; I was thinking at every moment what my friend, the director, needed or wanted and how I could help with that.

Of course, I often get into that state for shorter periods of time when I get really into whatever project I’m working on for my own pleasure, or I’m really focused on a task at work. But I can’t think of a time when I got like that in service of someone else. I wasn’t losing track of time on my laptop writing and organizing my own ideas and work; totally about my own shit. What a great feeling to be completely devoted to something outside of oneself.

And, okay, no I didn’t like enter this beautiful meditative trance-like state all weekend and was like a total angel waiting at the beck and call of the director without any thought to myself. I was also trying to sit whenever and wherever I could on the second day because my feet hurt so much at the end of the first. I also found myself wanting to put my two cents in and make suggestions or tell people what to do, which was outside of my job description (script supervisor/production assistant), because that is just who I am; I like to be the one in charge. But I wasn’t the one in charge, so I stayed back and just paid attention so I could do my job best I could and anticipate needs when I could and offer moral support and a positive attitude because directing your first short film is an incredible feat and I didn’t want her to forget that amid all the stress and chaos.

So, basically, I had one selfless weekend and now I think I should be sainted or something, right? Like, that was a huge change in mental state for this raging narcissist. I’m eager to help her more with her film, if she needs me, and I’m also eager to make something of my own so I can be the one telling people what to do to create my own ~vision~.

Saint Moira

Saint Moira

Sharing is Caring: Three of my favourite artists released albums on Friday!!! If you want that good shit in your ear holes, listen to Skin&Earth (Acoustic) by Lights, Solutions by K.Flay, and III by BANKS. (I won’t bother with links- you can look them up wherever you stream; I don’t know your life.)

Fitting In ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I used to love not fitting in. I would pretend to be things that I’m not to fit in less. I hated feeling the same as the crowd. I needed to stand out and be different and do the opposite of whatever everyone else was doing and be damn proud about it. 

Now I'm an adult and I’m not in school so fitting in has a different meaning because adults can make friends of all kinds from all places and find where they fit in. People find a club for people who share their hobby or find a safe queer space or find a neighbourhood in town where everyone looks like them. But because I’ve never wanted to Fit In, I’ve never been interested in those ways of fitting in. And lately I’ve been feeling like I wouldn’t feel like I fit in in any of those types of spaces, anyway.

I feel like I don’t fit in with, like, the world around me. Like, human functioning adults who, say, talk to each other and hang out and go for drinks or go to dinner and eat things and say things and go to movies and on weekend trips and go on dates and get married and I don’t know, actually. I don’t even know what people do because I don’t do any of that and when I try I am just reminded very harshly and I do not Fit In. 

At one time, that would have made me proud, but now it makes me sad. I guess now I’m yearning to fit in with people around me. Or just… I want to be accepted.

The things I used to boast about not fitting in like my style or my indie music playlist or my ambition to be a filmmaker in a small town of farmers are now, like- who cares? Those aren’t things peers judge you on anymore when you’re an adult and the world is so much bigger and popularity isn’t a thing anymore. I’m not pouting that I don’t fit in with the cool crowd, I’m feeling like I just don’t fit in with the people around me that I should easily be able to find a place amongst.

Yes, I have a couple of close friends, thank god. And I love my coworkers. But making new friends? Trying to date someone? It seems like I don’t do anything that anyone else does so they can’t include me. But I don’t want to change. So, I guess I have no right to complain about being left out but also I am allowed to be sad when I feel that being myself (what they told us we had to do to make friends and meet our partner) isn’t what anyone wants. 

I think my friends put up with me because they know that’s how I am and have accepted it but to new people I must seem like A Lot. A lot of work to find a place to eat because I’m so picky. A lot of hanging out at my place because I’m allergic and uncomfortable everywhere else. A lot of questions about exactly where we’re going and who will be there and what time will we be done. But also like Not Enough. Not chatty enough. Not interesting enough. Not funny enough. Not ~easy going~ enough. The cool people I want to be friends with don’t want a friend who isn’t down for group hangs at a bar. The people I have crushes on don’t want to go on dates with someone who can’t just meet anywhere for a beer. 

Look, I just want everyone to like me but I don’t want to do, say, or be anything that people might like. Is that too much to ask?

giphy.gif
Hope ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I found my third Core Desired Feeling to replace Accomplishment.

Hope

Hope is something I always want to feel in my life. It’s motivating, it’s inspiring, it’s exciting, it’s a reason to get up in the morning. 

Hope is for the future. Joy keeps me present, but I can’t feel Joy in every moment (it’s not special if it’s all the time) but I can hold on to Hope at any moment to get me through bad moments. I need Hope to get through any day. Even good days. Good days are good because good things give hope that more good is on its way.

The absence of Hope is depressing. Literally. Depression sucks away hope or when something happens that takes away a certain hope I had, I get depressed. Hopelessness has been the most prominent symptom of depression for me. I know I’m in a depression dip when I don’t want to work on projects or even day dream about possible futures. There’s nothing making me happy and I feel as though nothing ever will again. Finding something to look forward to will lift me up, even a little bit, when I’m depressed.

I can be very happy when I am full of ideas that I hope to do. Everything in my life might actually be stuck and miserable but I can hold onto something inside that says “Life will get better”. I’m happiest when I have something to look forward to, something I’m hoping will go well.

Having your hopes dashed can really hurt. Even someone pointing out that my idea isn’t actually as feasible as I was imagining can really bring me down. But that’s why I’ve got to hold onto Hope even when things don’t go according to plan. There’s always space for Hope; don’t let fear take up more than it’s fair share.

I’m losing Accomplishment because although I love the feeling of accomplishing things, it’s something that happens just by living. It didn’t feel like a goal to feel it. But Joy, Hope, and Connection are feelings that I have to do something to feel. I have to make plans with friends, get outside and do something, dream big. 

“You're forgetting something about Pandora's box. According to myth, when all the sorrows are released, there was one thing left at the bottom of the box—hope.”
- from that episode of Charmed with Pandora’s Box and a girl named Hope

(Upon further research, apparently hope was considered the last evil left in the box. Yikes. I guess that’s one way to look at it.)

I’ve decided that my gifs should come from what I’m currently/recently watching, and I just rewatched Bunheads, so here is Michelle just speaking my truth.

I’ve decided that my gifs should come from what I’m currently/recently watching, and I just rewatched Bunheads, so here is Michelle just speaking my truth.

Sharing is Caring: Ingrid Michaelson’s new album, Stranger Songs, is inspired by Stranger Things, but don’t worry- it’s actually just a great pop album.

Tish Has Crushes ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

A crush used to be a cute kids thing. A way to describe some sort of (hetero) attraction between two kids without making it too adult/sexual. It’s a crush. How adorable. Then it became a way of saying that you want to date someone. A crush was like-liking someone before anyone makes a move. My definition of crush is somewhere before the like-liking someone but also exists separate from that path.

A few years ago, I felt attracted to someone who I could not/would not pursue romantically. I told my best friend, “That’s J. I have decided I have a crush on him. I am not pursuing him; we work together and he is married. But I think he’s cute and I feel warm inside when he smiles at me so I have a crush and that is it.” And so began my new definition of a crush. 

My crushes are about acknowledging (and enjoying) various types of attraction at various levels. Sometimes I just like looking at them, sometimes I am sexually attracted to them, sometimes I would like to be friends, sometimes I just like the way they make me feel or admire their style. Whatever it is, I keep it simple; identify the crush, determine what type of attraction(s) is going on, and continue to enjoy the presence of said crush. 

I can be attracted to someone but not in full on I wanna date you and love you and fuck you kind of way. Often a crush is because I see/know someone and feel attracted to some aspect of them. So I say I have a crush and enjoy whatever I like about them when I’m around them and that is it and that’s fine. It’s just a crush. I wouldn’t say I have a crush on someone I actually fully like and want to date and get sexy with. I’d just say I want to date that person and start trying to flirt or something. My crushes cover a wide range of attraction-types. 

I get crushes on women a lot. Physical-attraction-based crushes. Like a girl I see on the same bus most mornings (I’m very inconsistent in the morning; I don’t get the same bus at the same time everyday) that I think is cute/pretty/just something about her draws my eye. So I look at her an inappropriate amount but it’s okay because I’m always wearing my sunglasses (I am very uncomfortable in public without them; god forbid I ever make eye contact with a stranger) but I am not an actual creep so I would never do anything to actually get her attention or god forbid talk to her (absolute nightmare situation to be trapped on a bus with someone who is too interested in you. Which is any level of interest when you’re on a bus). I call this a crush; acknowledging attraction without any expectations.

Also, only with women, I get Do I want to be her or be in her? crushes. Not sure if I’m attracted to her because she is just giving me amazing boss lady vibes that I find attractive just as another woman who wants to feel boss or am I attracted to her vibes like I want to be around you all the time and maybe kiss you because you’re amazing. But it’s fine because it’s still just a crush and I just acknowledge that I feel something around this person and enjoy their presence, however it makes me feel.

The only type of crush that I’d actually pursue is a friendship crush. It feels safe to pursue friendship. Rejection still hurts but it’s never really inappropriate to let someone know you are interested in their friendship. I only have a couple close friends; I don’t really have a friend group, so I’m always friend-crushing on cool people my age that I assume are having more friend fun than I am.

Being crushed by a crush hurts. But not so much when I’m keeping a crushable distance from my crushes with my it’ll never happen it’s just a crush type of crushes. Being crushed by a crush only happens when you’re actually invested in the crush going somewhere and it’s shut down before it can move beyond a crush. 

Having a friend crush crushed stings in a different way. That’s much harder for me. If a romantic crush doesn’t like me then it’s “Oh well, that wasn’t the person for me.” I know as well as anyone that romantic/sexual attraction is very tricky and it’s rare to find a good fit. No skin off my back or whatever that disgusting phrase is. But a friend crush feels like you can’t go wrong because there are so many levels of friendship. From acquaintance to casual to workplace to friends who only do this one activity, all the way up to top tier best friendship. With that whole range, you’d think that if you’re feeling something friendship-like with someone, there must be something between you two, some common ground to forge some level of friendship. So being crushed by a friend crush, well that feels like a harsher rejection. Romantic rejection is like okay I’m not one in a million; that doesn’t feel so personal but- wow, I can’t even make a friend? What is wrong with me? (Don’t open that can of worms because there are a lot of them).

But I continue to have crushes. I look at someone I already know one day and think “Oh, shit” something has changed and I am suddenly very into what you’ve got going on. Crush activated. And if I can keep it just a crush then it’s just fun to feel whatever nice feeling I get from that crush when I see them. Crushes can drive you a little insane when you’re pursuing more than a crush. But at that point you gotta just woman up and go for it. If you never ask the answer is always no. It’s true! Live in crush limbo forever (or until it fades because nothing is happening) or get rejected and move on to the next crush. I suppose the other option is they return your crush and then something else happens but I can’t speak to that. I only know about unrequited crushes.

Ilana gets it.

Ilana gets it.

Sharing is Caring: I bought an iPad Saturday and I’ve already played through all the Monument Valley games. They are sooooo beautiful with very satisfying puzzles.

Gratitude, I Guess ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I’m not going to get all new-age spiritual self care on you and preach about mindfulness and compassion and gratitude and blah blah bullshit we’ll never actually do. I’m just gonna tell you about one little thing I do that could fall under mindfulness or taking time for gratitude or self care or whatever.

I’ve started (again) writing in a gratitude journal app. So, it’s called a gratitude journal but it could be any journal type app or even just a note on your phone. This app I got shows an inspirational quote everyday and gives you gratitude prompts for your entries. But I just take a minute before I go to sleep write down what happened today. I don’t feel the need to phrase every entry as “I’m grateful for…” because, like, I’m alive and living and grateful for that, so writing anything I did implies gratitude, I feel like.

The only thing that makes this a gratitude journal and not just a journal is that I only write down the positive things and/or write down a positive perspective to maybe not so great things. This is not the place to dwell on negativity and feel sorry for myself and complain about how life just isn’t fair. Because no matter how bad my day, I can still write down “went to work” or “watched a TV show I like” because I am always grateful that I have a job and a home and things in this world that bring me joy.

I’m never going to look back on these entries, so I don’t feel that focusing on only good stuff or putting a positive spin on everything is, like, misrepresenting my life. This isn’t for posterity. This is for that day in that moment that I am writing it down. It’s to end my day remembering that I have good things in my life. It’s to remember every little nice thing that happened during the day that I would usually forget about, but I bring it back to my mind so I go to sleep feeling like today was a good day.

I am an over-thinker, to put it lightly. I am obsessive, to put it strongly. Sometimes I get fixated on something positive that I’m excited about, but it’s more likely that I’ve found something that makes me upset to obsess over, which makes me spiral, bringing every other little imperfect thing in my life down into a depression hole. So, writing about my day only in a positive way is a little way to combat spiraling. Of course, as I am writing what happened today, I will think about how bad that one bad part was, but I don’t give it any more brain space by taking the time to write it down. Writing something really gets it in your head even more. Which is great when you’re studying for a test; not what you want to do with negative thoughts. So I write down every tiny little nice thing that happened; from “chatted with coworker. She’s nice” to “omg had an amazing time on a boat with Juliana”. But then I’ll write down “Hung out with this person” but not “and they said this thing that really bothered me and now I am rethinking my entire personality” because that’s not what I want my brain to focus on.

I don’t know about meditating or trying to reframe my thinking at every given moment of the day; I’m not attempting to “fix” my depressive anxious brain. I just found one easy practice to make me feel a little better even on crappy days. And sharing is caring, so now you know and you might want to try it.

And speaking of focusing on the positive, I am writing about this instead of one of the five things I started writing this weekend because they were all variations of “boo hoo no one likes me but I refuse to change” So. Positivity! Life is not completely terrible great!

Dear Diary, Today I wrote about gratitude for Tuesdays with Tish. I’m so proud of myself for keeping this up for so long. Love, Tish

Dear Diary, Today I wrote about gratitude for Tuesdays with Tish. I’m so proud of myself for keeping this up for so long. Love, Tish

Sharing is Caring: I saw Late Night and it is funny and full of things like shutting down straight white man privilege and women supporting women and honesty about depression and it’s great and funny so go see it and you too can be a woman (or not) supporting women (in film)!

See you next Tuesday, hopefully.