What is this pressure, and guilt, I feel that I must constantly be productive?
It’s something I’ve always felt because I always have my creative projects that I’m working on that I’m not working on enough. There’s always something on the back burner that I want to do but I feel I should finish or focus on something else first. The guilt is completely self-inflicted as I have never had anyone on the Internet expecting anything from me.
And then there’s the constant to-do list. One for the week, one for the weekend. It’s a long weekend and instead of just relaxing because I don’t have to work, I’m staring at a to-do list of household tasks and bits of my own projects I want to do, feeling bad I only checked off two things on Saturday and today, Sunday, should I go for a bike ride and read in a park somewhere or stay home and tackle this list. And this is a LONG weekend! I have another day but I’m still trying to be productive on a Sunday!
Don’t mistake this for Tish is so ambitious and always busy and always doing things. No. My point is- I am lazy and don’t do things because there is too much to do; I get choice paralysis and do nothing instead and just feel the guilt of I should be more productive and checking more off my to-do list but I’m torn because part of me just really wants to do a puzzle this weekend!
I don’t even have hobbies. I turn everything into #content. I like to practice the piano but I get frustrated by anything I’m not immediately good at or at least can’t enjoy as much unless I’m doing it right and I like to practice but I also have the goal in mind of learning this song and once I do, I will make a video of me playing and singing. I rarely play video games because it feels like a waste of mental energy to be using the productive part of my brain on something that actually has no real world rewards. I had the thought to do these terrible little drawings of movie scenes I used to do in my younger days, when I was just creative for the sake of being creative not with an Instagram photo in mind, but I didn’t just think That’d be fun to draw again I thought Oh this will add to Rated F content.
And I hate the pressure that Summer adds to everything! Gotta get out there and enjoy this weather! Get on your bike! Make plans with friends! Or even just that I better get up and do groceries right away before it’s smothering hot later in the day. Instead of just doing what I want when I want! I’m still enjoying my cozy bed! My brain doesn’t want to think yet! Yes, I know I will enjoy the out of doors once I’m there but how about right now my body wants to be cozy not active. But if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty when I’m back at work on Tuesday and coworkers ask what I did with my long weekend and I’ll say “Not much”.
This is just my life. I don’t know what it’s like to be a person who just comes home from their day job and relaxes with some Netflix or does their chores or a hobby with no worry about having to get more work done, just enjoying leisure time. Yes, I have plenty of leisure time but in my head it’s wasted time that I should be working. I just can never decide what exactly I should be working on! I don’t know how to prioritize it all because dirty dishes don’t seem like an immediate concern but then these deadlines I give myself for this blog or podcast episodes are for no one but myself so it’s like a false sense of priority. Should I do laundry or edit and post a podcast? Well, either way, tomorrow I’m gonna feel bad because I don’t have clean underwear or because I feel like I failed to stick to yet another deadline. It’s usually both because I chose to do neither instead of choose one.
Sharing is Caring: The above gif is from the Team Starkid musical Firebringer and you should watch it because it’s funny with great music and unlike their first and most well-known musical, A Very Potter Musical, the production quality is quite good and they wear mics so you can actually hear them.
See you next Tuesday, I forgot I used to sign off with this!