Posts tagged personal
Get It Done! ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

What is this pressure, and guilt, I feel that I must constantly be productive?

It’s something I’ve always felt because I always have my creative projects that I’m working on that I’m not working on enough. There’s always something on the back burner that I want to do but I feel I should finish or focus on something else first. The guilt is completely self-inflicted as I have never had anyone on the Internet expecting anything from me. 

And then there’s the constant to-do list. One for the week, one for the weekend. It’s a long weekend and instead of just relaxing because I don’t have to work, I’m staring at a to-do list of household tasks and bits of my own projects I want to do, feeling bad I only checked off two things on Saturday and today, Sunday,  should I go for a bike ride and read in a park somewhere or stay home and tackle this list. And this is a LONG weekend! I have another day but I’m still trying to be productive on a Sunday!

Don’t mistake this for Tish is so ambitious and always busy and always doing things. No. My point is- I am lazy and don’t do things because there is too much to do; I get choice paralysis and do nothing instead and just feel the guilt of I should be more productive and checking more off my to-do list but I’m torn because part of me just really wants to do a puzzle this weekend!

I don’t even have hobbies. I turn everything into #content. I like to practice the piano but I get frustrated by anything I’m not immediately good at or at least can’t enjoy as much unless I’m doing it right and I like to practice but I also have the goal in mind of learning this song and once I do, I will make a video of me playing and singing. I rarely play video games because it feels like a waste of mental energy to be using the productive part of my brain on something that actually has no real world rewards. I had the thought to do these terrible little drawings of movie scenes I used to do in my younger days, when I was just creative for the sake of being creative not with an Instagram photo in mind, but I didn’t just think That’d be fun to draw again I thought Oh this will add to Rated F content

And I hate the pressure that Summer adds to everything! Gotta get out there and enjoy this weather! Get on your bike! Make plans with friends! Or even just that I better get up and do groceries right away before it’s smothering hot later in the day. Instead of just doing what I want when I want! I’m still enjoying my cozy bed! My brain doesn’t want to think yet! Yes, I know I will enjoy the out of doors once I’m there but how about right now my body wants to be cozy not active. But if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty when I’m back at work on Tuesday and coworkers ask what I did with my long weekend and I’ll say “Not much”. 

This is just my life. I don’t know what it’s like to be a person who just comes home from their day job and relaxes with some Netflix or does their chores or a hobby with no worry about having to get more work done, just enjoying leisure time. Yes, I have plenty of leisure time but in my head it’s wasted time that I should be working. I just can never decide what exactly I should be working on! I don’t know how to prioritize it all because dirty dishes don’t seem like an immediate concern but then these deadlines I give myself for this blog or podcast episodes are for no one but myself so it’s like a false sense of priority. Should I do laundry or edit and post a podcast? Well, either way, tomorrow I’m gonna feel bad because I don’t have clean underwear or because I feel like I failed to stick to yet another deadline. It’s usually both because I chose to do neither instead of choose one.

My coworker and I sing this at each other on days we’re just not feeling it.

My coworker and I sing this at each other on days we’re just not feeling it.

Sharing is Caring: The above gif is from the Team Starkid musical Firebringer and you should watch it because it’s funny with great music and unlike their first and most well-known musical, A Very Potter Musical, the production quality is quite good and they wear mics so you can actually hear them.

See you next Tuesday, I forgot I used to sign off with this!

Taking a Compliment ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

When people say someone doesn’t know how to “take a compliment” they usually mean like that person has such low self-esteem they will deny the validity of the compliment; “No, it’s not that great.'' Or it’s a thing that a guy yells at a woman after he calls out a “compliment” at her as she walks by on the street and she doesn’t seem to appreciate his generous gift, then the bitch needs to learn to just take a compliment.

Some people might say I don’t know how to take a compliment because I don’t usually say “thanks” after someone shares their opinion of, say, my physical appearance. I usually agree with them, so I say something like “I know” or “Ya, duh” if I’m feeling sassy. (When am I not?) I just don’t see why I should thank someone for sharing their opinion of me that I didn’t directly ask for. I’d much rather share in the “Tish looks great” vibes by saying I agree.

One time a man walked past me on the sidewalk and said “You look gorgeous!” I didn’t react and kept walking so he shouted from behind me “I’m allowed to say that; I’m gay!” Um… “allowed”? Anyone’s allowed to say anything on the sidewalk. Sexual preferences don’t factor in when I hear a man’s voice say something about my appearance at me. Also, again, YA I KNOW BISH! LIKE I CARE IF YOU AGREE?!

I’ll say “thanks” if someone compliments something I worked on. Sometimes it is as simple as an outfit I put together or as much as a piece of writing I worked hard on. Then, thank you for appreciating my work. I did that. But just “I like your physical appearance” wtf I don’t need to thank you for that. What are you doing for me that I need to thank you for?

What is a compliment? It’s a statement of opinion, right? “I like your hair.” “[In my opinion,] your hair looks amazing.” Okay. If I don’t know you- I don’t care what you think. If a friend says it then I probably would say “thanks” because it’s a friend showing a friend some love and positivity. Especially between women it’s not just “I like your new haircut” it’s a whole discussion on why you cut it, how you did it yourself and did a good job, it really compliments your face, yes this is more you than your last cut, do you love it? Good, I’m glad you’re happy with your new haircut. It’s not about their opinion so much as it’s about celebrating your choice to cut your hair or wear that thing or do a good job in something and celebrating that you are happy and your friend is happy for you. So thank you, friend, for your support. Stranger- I didn’t ask for your opinion. The hubris to assume a stranger wants your opinion on their looks- I cannot imagine

A few weeks ago, on my way to work, a man followed me off the sidewalk to tap me on the shoulder, startling me as I was listening to music, just to say “I like the hair” I quickly replied with “Okay” as I turned to continue walking into the building. YOU FOLLOWED ME OFF THE SIDEWALK AND TOUCHED ME WITHOUT CONSENT SO YOU COULD GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY OWN HAIR?!?! Who the fuck do you think you are, Anna Wintour? (I don’t know a famous hair person- Vidal Sassoon is a person?) To believe you would make my day or life better by doing that- WOW. Wow. (Men, amiright?)

So, basically, I don’t care about your opinion of me unless I’ve asked you for your opinion, okay?

Thank you, Moira.

Thank you, Moira.

Sharing is Caring: This whole Twitter thread of movie scenes with different songs is pure gold and made my day. Enjoy. (When you think the thread is over- there is more!)

Too Good to Be True ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

My life is pretty good right now. Brag. I love my job; my coworkers are friends, I like the work I do, I see how this job will lead to more work I want to do, and I make enough money. I have close friends that make me feel happy and loved, and I have some new friends that are pretty great, too. It’s summertime; okay sometimes it’s too hot but overall summer is nice. I’m not dating because I don’t want to be, I’m not pining over anyone, and I feel completely over my last relationship. I am enjoying my time that I work on my creative projects, like my podcasts and writing this every week, and feel excited about plans for upcoming projects to start. I feel confident, beautiful, and healthy. Life is good. But...

Even when things are going well and I want to bask in the good feelings of “I have things I used to only dream of having” and “I'm looking forward to these great things that are to come” my Depression Monster™, though quite small during these times, is still there and pokes its head in to say “It’s not actually that great; you’re forgetting this downside” and “That dream will never actually happen” and “Something bad is coming because good things don’t last.”

This was recently brought on by hearing from my best friend that she and her boyfriend had narrowed down their apartment search to two choices, one being in my building. We both were excited about the idea of being able to conveniently hang out (and record podcasts). But I thought “Ah, it probably won’t actually happen; that would be too awesome. That’s the kind of silly fun idea you dream up when you’re little but life is not Friends.” But then she told me that they had chosen an apartment in my building; deposit, lease, and everything. It’s really going to happen. I even said “Ohmygod, it’s like a new phase of our friendship!” But then that little Monster was like “Okay, calm down. It’s not going to be as great as you think. You still won’t hang out all the time; she has a boyfriend she wants to hang out with that’s why she’s moving in with him. This will not be as great as you are imagining it will be.

And this is what I was referring to when writing about my Core Desired Feeling of Hope and how my depression is characterized by hopelessness. See, even when I have great hope, Depression Monster™ says “Don’t get your hopes up.” 

So, I have to remind myself of just how far I’ve come in my life. And that sometimes things do work out. Sometimes the things I hope will be great really are great. When I was done my contract job at the CFI, I wished and dreamed that someday they’d create a new full-time staff position that I would get- and they did. For years, I wanted to take a birthday trip with a best friend or bf/gf to my hometown for nostalgia and for how much I missed the lake- and Juliana and I went and I had the greatest few days of my life. I finally moved out of the basement apartment and I’m still very happy with my new apartment. I wanted to start a podcast to talk about movies but didn’t have anyone to do it with and then I became friends with Juliana. Sometimes things work out and are as great as I hoped they would be!

So, fuck you, Depression Monster™! I’m gonna keep Living My Best Life and not listening to you. Even if things aren’t going to go the way I hope they will, I’d rather spend my time being happy and hopeful than a bummer who can’t find joy in anything. (Remind me of this when I’m fighting SAD and I wish I were dead next January.)

Oh, Patrick. Living his best life, being hella gay.

Oh, Patrick. Living his best life, being hella gay.

Sharing is Caring: If you don’t know who Christine McConnell is and what she does; it’s time to get on board. She’s been sharing her spooky creations on Instagram for years, last October her Netflix show (part DIY instructional, part hilarious Jim Henson creatures) The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell premiered and tragically didn’t last, so now she’s making her own show on YouTube, From the Mind of Christine McConnell. If you’re a fan of fancy vintage style and spooky shit, Christine is the lady for you. She might be Morticia Addam’s crafty sister.

I'm a Selfless Angel ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

This weekend I helped my friend/coworker on her first short film shoot. I went to film school twelve??? years ago, but since then haven’t been on any type of film shoot, so I was excited to get back on a set because I remember loving it. I was not so excited to be on set (or “on location” I guess) for 12+ hours two days in a row instead of having my usual lazy weekend, but I knew it would be worth it for my own experience and to help out my friend as much as possible. To no one’s surprise, my feet were very sore at the end of the first day and two days later I am still very tired but damn if I didn’t love it.

I thought being on a shoot would inspire me to want to shoot my own stuff, but my initial reaction was one closer to “Fuck, I forgot how much work this is; how tedious it can be to do take after take just for one very short shot.” But, yes, throughout the weekend I also had my moments of wishing I were the one behind the camera, setting up my shots, telling my crew what to do, working hard to create my own masterpiece. But also I was very tired. And being so tired and so devoted to working hard on something that wasn’t my own masterpiece was a new experience for me.

I had a weird feeling towards the end of the first day when I felt like I was coming out of a state, it almost felt like dissociating, or coming back into my own mind after a time of dissociating. I was just suddenly aware of what I was doing… I had been completely focused on something other than myself, my wants/needs/thoughts, all day. I’m a very self-centered person, as I’m sure I’ve said a million times before, so to spend that long without really thinking of myself and what I want was unusual, and turns out a great mental relief, actually. Is that maybe what meditating or being present or whatever is about? I wasn’t thinking about my own internal self thoughts, or comparing what was happening around me to something else I wanted to think about, or thinking about what I’d rather be doing. It was a break from the non-stop internal dialogue I have with myself all day everyday. I was completely focused on something outside of myself and being of service to someone else. I wasn’t thinking about what I wanted to do; I was thinking at every moment what my friend, the director, needed or wanted and how I could help with that.

Of course, I often get into that state for shorter periods of time when I get really into whatever project I’m working on for my own pleasure, or I’m really focused on a task at work. But I can’t think of a time when I got like that in service of someone else. I wasn’t losing track of time on my laptop writing and organizing my own ideas and work; totally about my own shit. What a great feeling to be completely devoted to something outside of oneself.

And, okay, no I didn’t like enter this beautiful meditative trance-like state all weekend and was like a total angel waiting at the beck and call of the director without any thought to myself. I was also trying to sit whenever and wherever I could on the second day because my feet hurt so much at the end of the first. I also found myself wanting to put my two cents in and make suggestions or tell people what to do, which was outside of my job description (script supervisor/production assistant), because that is just who I am; I like to be the one in charge. But I wasn’t the one in charge, so I stayed back and just paid attention so I could do my job best I could and anticipate needs when I could and offer moral support and a positive attitude because directing your first short film is an incredible feat and I didn’t want her to forget that amid all the stress and chaos.

So, basically, I had one selfless weekend and now I think I should be sainted or something, right? Like, that was a huge change in mental state for this raging narcissist. I’m eager to help her more with her film, if she needs me, and I’m also eager to make something of my own so I can be the one telling people what to do to create my own ~vision~.

Saint Moira

Saint Moira

Sharing is Caring: Three of my favourite artists released albums on Friday!!! If you want that good shit in your ear holes, listen to Skin&Earth (Acoustic) by Lights, Solutions by K.Flay, and III by BANKS. (I won’t bother with links- you can look them up wherever you stream; I don’t know your life.)

Fitting In ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I used to love not fitting in. I would pretend to be things that I’m not to fit in less. I hated feeling the same as the crowd. I needed to stand out and be different and do the opposite of whatever everyone else was doing and be damn proud about it. 

Now I'm an adult and I’m not in school so fitting in has a different meaning because adults can make friends of all kinds from all places and find where they fit in. People find a club for people who share their hobby or find a safe queer space or find a neighbourhood in town where everyone looks like them. But because I’ve never wanted to Fit In, I’ve never been interested in those ways of fitting in. And lately I’ve been feeling like I wouldn’t feel like I fit in in any of those types of spaces, anyway.

I feel like I don’t fit in with, like, the world around me. Like, human functioning adults who, say, talk to each other and hang out and go for drinks or go to dinner and eat things and say things and go to movies and on weekend trips and go on dates and get married and I don’t know, actually. I don’t even know what people do because I don’t do any of that and when I try I am just reminded very harshly and I do not Fit In. 

At one time, that would have made me proud, but now it makes me sad. I guess now I’m yearning to fit in with people around me. Or just… I want to be accepted.

The things I used to boast about not fitting in like my style or my indie music playlist or my ambition to be a filmmaker in a small town of farmers are now, like- who cares? Those aren’t things peers judge you on anymore when you’re an adult and the world is so much bigger and popularity isn’t a thing anymore. I’m not pouting that I don’t fit in with the cool crowd, I’m feeling like I just don’t fit in with the people around me that I should easily be able to find a place amongst.

Yes, I have a couple of close friends, thank god. And I love my coworkers. But making new friends? Trying to date someone? It seems like I don’t do anything that anyone else does so they can’t include me. But I don’t want to change. So, I guess I have no right to complain about being left out but also I am allowed to be sad when I feel that being myself (what they told us we had to do to make friends and meet our partner) isn’t what anyone wants. 

I think my friends put up with me because they know that’s how I am and have accepted it but to new people I must seem like A Lot. A lot of work to find a place to eat because I’m so picky. A lot of hanging out at my place because I’m allergic and uncomfortable everywhere else. A lot of questions about exactly where we’re going and who will be there and what time will we be done. But also like Not Enough. Not chatty enough. Not interesting enough. Not funny enough. Not ~easy going~ enough. The cool people I want to be friends with don’t want a friend who isn’t down for group hangs at a bar. The people I have crushes on don’t want to go on dates with someone who can’t just meet anywhere for a beer. 

Look, I just want everyone to like me but I don’t want to do, say, or be anything that people might like. Is that too much to ask?

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Hope ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I found my third Core Desired Feeling to replace Accomplishment.

Hope

Hope is something I always want to feel in my life. It’s motivating, it’s inspiring, it’s exciting, it’s a reason to get up in the morning. 

Hope is for the future. Joy keeps me present, but I can’t feel Joy in every moment (it’s not special if it’s all the time) but I can hold on to Hope at any moment to get me through bad moments. I need Hope to get through any day. Even good days. Good days are good because good things give hope that more good is on its way.

The absence of Hope is depressing. Literally. Depression sucks away hope or when something happens that takes away a certain hope I had, I get depressed. Hopelessness has been the most prominent symptom of depression for me. I know I’m in a depression dip when I don’t want to work on projects or even day dream about possible futures. There’s nothing making me happy and I feel as though nothing ever will again. Finding something to look forward to will lift me up, even a little bit, when I’m depressed.

I can be very happy when I am full of ideas that I hope to do. Everything in my life might actually be stuck and miserable but I can hold onto something inside that says “Life will get better”. I’m happiest when I have something to look forward to, something I’m hoping will go well.

Having your hopes dashed can really hurt. Even someone pointing out that my idea isn’t actually as feasible as I was imagining can really bring me down. But that’s why I’ve got to hold onto Hope even when things don’t go according to plan. There’s always space for Hope; don’t let fear take up more than it’s fair share.

I’m losing Accomplishment because although I love the feeling of accomplishing things, it’s something that happens just by living. It didn’t feel like a goal to feel it. But Joy, Hope, and Connection are feelings that I have to do something to feel. I have to make plans with friends, get outside and do something, dream big. 

“You're forgetting something about Pandora's box. According to myth, when all the sorrows are released, there was one thing left at the bottom of the box—hope.”
- from that episode of Charmed with Pandora’s Box and a girl named Hope

(Upon further research, apparently hope was considered the last evil left in the box. Yikes. I guess that’s one way to look at it.)

I’ve decided that my gifs should come from what I’m currently/recently watching, and I just rewatched Bunheads, so here is Michelle just speaking my truth.

I’ve decided that my gifs should come from what I’m currently/recently watching, and I just rewatched Bunheads, so here is Michelle just speaking my truth.

Sharing is Caring: Ingrid Michaelson’s new album, Stranger Songs, is inspired by Stranger Things, but don’t worry- it’s actually just a great pop album.

Tish Has Crushes ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

A crush used to be a cute kids thing. A way to describe some sort of (hetero) attraction between two kids without making it too adult/sexual. It’s a crush. How adorable. Then it became a way of saying that you want to date someone. A crush was like-liking someone before anyone makes a move. My definition of crush is somewhere before the like-liking someone but also exists separate from that path.

A few years ago, I felt attracted to someone who I could not/would not pursue romantically. I told my best friend, “That’s J. I have decided I have a crush on him. I am not pursuing him; we work together and he is married. But I think he’s cute and I feel warm inside when he smiles at me so I have a crush and that is it.” And so began my new definition of a crush. 

My crushes are about acknowledging (and enjoying) various types of attraction at various levels. Sometimes I just like looking at them, sometimes I am sexually attracted to them, sometimes I would like to be friends, sometimes I just like the way they make me feel or admire their style. Whatever it is, I keep it simple; identify the crush, determine what type of attraction(s) is going on, and continue to enjoy the presence of said crush. 

I can be attracted to someone but not in full on I wanna date you and love you and fuck you kind of way. Often a crush is because I see/know someone and feel attracted to some aspect of them. So I say I have a crush and enjoy whatever I like about them when I’m around them and that is it and that’s fine. It’s just a crush. I wouldn’t say I have a crush on someone I actually fully like and want to date and get sexy with. I’d just say I want to date that person and start trying to flirt or something. My crushes cover a wide range of attraction-types. 

I get crushes on women a lot. Physical-attraction-based crushes. Like a girl I see on the same bus most mornings (I’m very inconsistent in the morning; I don’t get the same bus at the same time everyday) that I think is cute/pretty/just something about her draws my eye. So I look at her an inappropriate amount but it’s okay because I’m always wearing my sunglasses (I am very uncomfortable in public without them; god forbid I ever make eye contact with a stranger) but I am not an actual creep so I would never do anything to actually get her attention or god forbid talk to her (absolute nightmare situation to be trapped on a bus with someone who is too interested in you. Which is any level of interest when you’re on a bus). I call this a crush; acknowledging attraction without any expectations.

Also, only with women, I get Do I want to be her or be in her? crushes. Not sure if I’m attracted to her because she is just giving me amazing boss lady vibes that I find attractive just as another woman who wants to feel boss or am I attracted to her vibes like I want to be around you all the time and maybe kiss you because you’re amazing. But it’s fine because it’s still just a crush and I just acknowledge that I feel something around this person and enjoy their presence, however it makes me feel.

The only type of crush that I’d actually pursue is a friendship crush. It feels safe to pursue friendship. Rejection still hurts but it’s never really inappropriate to let someone know you are interested in their friendship. I only have a couple close friends; I don’t really have a friend group, so I’m always friend-crushing on cool people my age that I assume are having more friend fun than I am.

Being crushed by a crush hurts. But not so much when I’m keeping a crushable distance from my crushes with my it’ll never happen it’s just a crush type of crushes. Being crushed by a crush only happens when you’re actually invested in the crush going somewhere and it’s shut down before it can move beyond a crush. 

Having a friend crush crushed stings in a different way. That’s much harder for me. If a romantic crush doesn’t like me then it’s “Oh well, that wasn’t the person for me.” I know as well as anyone that romantic/sexual attraction is very tricky and it’s rare to find a good fit. No skin off my back or whatever that disgusting phrase is. But a friend crush feels like you can’t go wrong because there are so many levels of friendship. From acquaintance to casual to workplace to friends who only do this one activity, all the way up to top tier best friendship. With that whole range, you’d think that if you’re feeling something friendship-like with someone, there must be something between you two, some common ground to forge some level of friendship. So being crushed by a friend crush, well that feels like a harsher rejection. Romantic rejection is like okay I’m not one in a million; that doesn’t feel so personal but- wow, I can’t even make a friend? What is wrong with me? (Don’t open that can of worms because there are a lot of them).

But I continue to have crushes. I look at someone I already know one day and think “Oh, shit” something has changed and I am suddenly very into what you’ve got going on. Crush activated. And if I can keep it just a crush then it’s just fun to feel whatever nice feeling I get from that crush when I see them. Crushes can drive you a little insane when you’re pursuing more than a crush. But at that point you gotta just woman up and go for it. If you never ask the answer is always no. It’s true! Live in crush limbo forever (or until it fades because nothing is happening) or get rejected and move on to the next crush. I suppose the other option is they return your crush and then something else happens but I can’t speak to that. I only know about unrequited crushes.

Ilana gets it.

Ilana gets it.

Sharing is Caring: I bought an iPad Saturday and I’ve already played through all the Monument Valley games. They are sooooo beautiful with very satisfying puzzles.

Gratitude, I Guess ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I’m not going to get all new-age spiritual self care on you and preach about mindfulness and compassion and gratitude and blah blah bullshit we’ll never actually do. I’m just gonna tell you about one little thing I do that could fall under mindfulness or taking time for gratitude or self care or whatever.

I’ve started (again) writing in a gratitude journal app. So, it’s called a gratitude journal but it could be any journal type app or even just a note on your phone. This app I got shows an inspirational quote everyday and gives you gratitude prompts for your entries. But I just take a minute before I go to sleep write down what happened today. I don’t feel the need to phrase every entry as “I’m grateful for…” because, like, I’m alive and living and grateful for that, so writing anything I did implies gratitude, I feel like.

The only thing that makes this a gratitude journal and not just a journal is that I only write down the positive things and/or write down a positive perspective to maybe not so great things. This is not the place to dwell on negativity and feel sorry for myself and complain about how life just isn’t fair. Because no matter how bad my day, I can still write down “went to work” or “watched a TV show I like” because I am always grateful that I have a job and a home and things in this world that bring me joy.

I’m never going to look back on these entries, so I don’t feel that focusing on only good stuff or putting a positive spin on everything is, like, misrepresenting my life. This isn’t for posterity. This is for that day in that moment that I am writing it down. It’s to end my day remembering that I have good things in my life. It’s to remember every little nice thing that happened during the day that I would usually forget about, but I bring it back to my mind so I go to sleep feeling like today was a good day.

I am an over-thinker, to put it lightly. I am obsessive, to put it strongly. Sometimes I get fixated on something positive that I’m excited about, but it’s more likely that I’ve found something that makes me upset to obsess over, which makes me spiral, bringing every other little imperfect thing in my life down into a depression hole. So, writing about my day only in a positive way is a little way to combat spiraling. Of course, as I am writing what happened today, I will think about how bad that one bad part was, but I don’t give it any more brain space by taking the time to write it down. Writing something really gets it in your head even more. Which is great when you’re studying for a test; not what you want to do with negative thoughts. So I write down every tiny little nice thing that happened; from “chatted with coworker. She’s nice” to “omg had an amazing time on a boat with Juliana”. But then I’ll write down “Hung out with this person” but not “and they said this thing that really bothered me and now I am rethinking my entire personality” because that’s not what I want my brain to focus on.

I don’t know about meditating or trying to reframe my thinking at every given moment of the day; I’m not attempting to “fix” my depressive anxious brain. I just found one easy practice to make me feel a little better even on crappy days. And sharing is caring, so now you know and you might want to try it.

And speaking of focusing on the positive, I am writing about this instead of one of the five things I started writing this weekend because they were all variations of “boo hoo no one likes me but I refuse to change” So. Positivity! Life is not completely terrible great!

Dear Diary, Today I wrote about gratitude for Tuesdays with Tish. I’m so proud of myself for keeping this up for so long. Love, Tish

Dear Diary, Today I wrote about gratitude for Tuesdays with Tish. I’m so proud of myself for keeping this up for so long. Love, Tish

Sharing is Caring: I saw Late Night and it is funny and full of things like shutting down straight white man privilege and women supporting women and honesty about depression and it’s great and funny so go see it and you too can be a woman (or not) supporting women (in film)!

See you next Tuesday, hopefully.

Suit up! ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I wanted to write about how I like to wear suits but I feel it is in no way related to wanting to be more masculine or my gender identity skewing masculine at all. (Because I think that’s what people might think.) But then I remembered- part of the reason I’m so into wearing suits right now is because women in suits is a thing. It’s a Cate Blanchett, Blake Lively, and other undisputedly gorgeous and feminine women thing. It’s literally no longer exclusively menswear. It’s not the 1920’s (the theme of the party I went to last week to which I wore a three piece suit complete with bow tie and fob watch); it’s not scandalous for women to wear a suit any more than it is for women to wear pants. She’s not disguising herself as a man. She’s just wearing a suit. And it’s hot.

But I think about gender a lot. Because I’m bisexual and have [attempted to] date men and women. Because I just read I’m Afraid of Men and How to Date Men When You Hate Men this weekend. Because I’m a woman-identifying person in a patriarchal society. Because I fill my social media feeds with queer comedians and writers. I think about how/why I interact socially with men and women differently. I think about how gender identity/presentation effects my attraction to each gender. I think a lot about how women are treated and portrayed in the film industry.

Sure, gender is a ~social construct~ It’s an ~illusion~ you say. Well, too bad. I wish it were, because it’s actually a very real part of how our society works and you can’t escape it because whether or not you think you treat people differently based on gender, the whole fucking world does. You gotta work to fight against the patriarchy; you can’t ignore it and live a blissful genderless life. Unless you are doing that completely removed from society in the woods; bless you for living your best life that way, most of us have to, and like to, live in ~modern society~ which comes with *shakes fist* The Patriarchy! (You’re not allowed to say “the patriarchy” without shaking your fist.)

But I’m not making a ~statement on gender expectations and the patriarchy~ by wearing a suit when I'm expected to wear a dress. I literally just think I look good in a suit! I also look hot in dresses! I’ve always worn clothes that I liked even if I knew everyone else would think is weird or eccentric or trying too hard. I wear what I want! And now that I’m so old, I’ve had plenty of time to evolve my style and settle into what I know I like, which makes shopping easier (or difficult in the summer when everything is NEON and you are strictly black and white) and makes me ~feel good~ in an “I am confident in who I am and how I am presenting myself to the world” kind of way.

So, I love wearing suits because they make me feel like an awesome sexy lady, not because I am trying to channel some powerful masculine energy. I can be sexy in a suit and bawse in a dress. Because I say so.

God damn, I need to watch this movie again and just make a shopping list based on her wardrobe. Cummerbund, gloves, pocket squares, a decorative chain…????

God damn, I need to watch this movie again and just make a shopping list based on her wardrobe. Cummerbund, gloves, pocket squares, a decorative chain…????

Sharing is Caring: K.Flay’s done it again! Listen to Sister, you cowards! Also, I highly recommend the two books mentioned above.

See you next Tuesday, in a suit.

Extraverted Introvert or Introverted Extravert? ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I’m still trying to work out if I’m an introvert or an extravert.

All the introvert memes are relatable- socializing uses up my energy, I look forward to time alone after social time, I’m a homebody, I’m more comfortable with a genuine one-on-one conversation than lots of meaningless small talk.

But also- I don’t mind small talk sometimes. I used to be so socially anxious I couldn’t talk to anyone I didn’t know but now I can. And while I do like to recoup at home alone after, I look forward to socializing with one or a group of friends. And hey- I even look forward to speaking in public!

So which is it?

I think I hid my social anxieties under the introvert label for a long time. The introvert label relieved some self-hate I acquired during the depression- & anxiety-filled (although I didn’t have the words/understanding for those) teen years. I suddenly felt understood and it wasn’t just acceptable to be like this, but actually a cool thing everyone on the Internet was doing. Instead of hating myself for not being able to join in group conversations, I learned that it was okay to not talk in groups. So I started sitting quietly not riddled with anxiety and fear but a quiet self-assurance because I was comfortable with my place in the group. I wasn’t quiet out of fear; I was quiet because I was okay being quiet.

As I look back in my 20s, I can see how my social anxiety has lightened over the years. Every time I had a new social experience (leading a class, a first date, an apartment viewing, a job interview), I survived (duh) and the next similar experience was that much easier for having been through it before.

And now, while I still definitely get anxiety over new experiences, (and frankly, my anxiety feels worse than ever over certain things) I am very aware that I do many things with ease that would have crippled me with fear before. Socializing in general, with strangers, customers, coworkers, friends, first dates, is easier and less frightening (okay first dates are still pretty terrifying).

So… am I an extravert now? Do I fuel up on socializing instead of alone time? Or do I get to sound really pretentious and say “Actually, I’m an ambivert” because I have traits of both?

Because, I may want nothing more than my empty apartment at the end of a full day of being around people, but I also get lonely home alone pretty quickly. Can I get the best of both worlds? Can everyone pay attention to me and leave me alone at the same time? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

Ya, probably. But we’ll deal with my self-centered issue at another time.

He gets it- the best of both worlds.

He gets it- the best of both worlds.

Sharing is Caring: I’m not the only one scream-singing along to Halsey’s Nightmare, am I? ”I DON’T OWE YOU A GOD DAMN THING!”

See you next Tuesday, introverts!

No, I still don't have a boyfriend, Grandma ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I probably have plenty I could write about today. I’m at my parents house, staying for a couple days because my grandparents are visiting (they’re from Saskatchewan so I don’t get to see them often) so I could write about family, parents, what’s it like being old. Or I could write about this weekend at Ottawa ComicCon. What I did, who I saw, how I feel about our two panels. 

But guess what. I’m fucking exhausted. And I will be for the rest of my week off because ComicCon is exhausting. Being nervous about public speaking is exhausting. Socializing is exhausting. Being around family is exhausting. We’re all just sitting silently in the living room each reading or playing on an iPad or doing a sudoku but it’s not as relaxing as silently reading by myself at home. At any moment my grandma could ask me the eternal, never forgotten question I dread every visit or phone call: “So, do you have a boyfriend?” Part of me wants to be able to say “No, but I have GIRLfriend!” just to stir shit up but a) that is not true and b) explaining bisexuality to my grandparents sounds the MOST exhausting. 

I also didn’t bother trying to explain what I was doing at ComicCon this weekend. I guess my mom tried to explain already because Grandma said “Did your weekend go well? I don’t understand what you’re doing but I know you’re doing it.” That’s good enough for a grandma I think.

Nothing like someone totally out of touch with your world to put your accomplishments in perspective. Juliana and I worked really hard on both our presentations, were plenty nervous about speaking to a roomful of people, were happy with the audience discussions and that people came up after to take our business card and handouts. It was a success in our eyes because people seemed to enjoy it and we might have got some podcast subscribers out of it. Grandma doesn’t understand the subjects we were talking about or why people would gather to listen to someone talk about them or what a podcast is or why any recognition in this area of interest is important to us. When do you think was the last time my grandparents even saw a movie? I’m coming down off the high of doing these public things to a receptive audience and instead of basking in our success for a while, I was immediately met with people who do not care (or understand) what I just accomplished.

I mean, it is only Ottawa ComicCon. It doesn’t mean much to many people. But it’s all relative. Last year, doing the panel is what got the attention of the radio show that we now do film reviews for (when one of the regulars is away) so I was excited to see what opportunities would come from this year. I think it might just be some podcast followers. And that’s great, too. If a podcast gets uploaded and no one listens to it, does it really even exist?

Well, look at that, I managed to write about family and ComicCon after all. 

My parents’ we-live-in-the-middle-of-nowhere internet is so slow that searching for a gif was near impossible. It was easier to airdrop and upload this photo I took of the notorious duck that’s been spotted around their yard lately. Country life is so exciting.

My parents’ we-live-in-the-middle-of-nowhere internet is so slow that searching for a gif was near impossible. It was easier to airdrop and upload this photo I took of the notorious duck that’s been spotted around their yard lately. Country life is so exciting.

Sharing is Caring: My friend just made me aware of this series of weird videos and I love them: Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared. Enjoy having the songs stuck in your head like I do now.

See you next Tuesday, nerds!

Snip Snip ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Got my hair cut this morning. What’s it like to be a person who will actually tell the hairdresser when they do something you don’t like? I mean, we’re all just sitting there hoping they don’t cut too much off and wondering when they’re gonna get to that thing we specifically said we wanted at the front, right?

And, everyone breaks their neck when they wash your hair in the sink, right? Like there is no way for that to not be painful. I’m sore for the rest of the day.

I remember cringing as one hairdresser cut my bangs totally wrong and just thinking “Whatever, I’ll fix them at home.” If you go to the hairdresser every time you need your bangs trimmed… who do you think you are? If you can’t learn to keep your bangs trimmed, you don’t deserve bangs. I bet you can’t pull them off anyway. Let them grow out. They will look terrible as you do because you also don’t know how to trim your bangs to get them to blend in as they become side bangs, so that is your punishment. Why am I so harsh on bangs?

I can’t imagine going back to the hairdresser to ask them to fix something. Nope. I just live with this now. Or I will fix it myself. You know, good job, you got me this far, I’ll finish at home, thanks.

The last time I got my hair done, the hairdresser called me Lisa the whole time. I think she got confused when we were introducing ourselves because her name was Lisa. I wasn’t sure that’s what she was saying the first couple times, and by the time I realized that she was in fact adding Lisa to the ends of sentences and meant me, well, it’s too late. You can’t correct someone after you’ve answered to the name several times. My name is Lisa for the next hour until I leave here and never come back.

I used to always cut my own hair when it was short. I’d just decide one day that I wanted it even shorter and hack at it in front of the mirror. It was fine. Or it wasn’t but who cares I was young and had crazy hair. And I always cut my bangs as I grew it out. Like I thought bangs would make the rest look longer, or I could pretend it was longer if it was just long enough to pull back in a tiny ponytail and just have bangs framing my face.

Look, I’m neck deep in finishing ComicCon panel writing, so this is all my brain could think about for this week.

Well, my hair is all spiffy now, I just gotta tweak the color a bit and I’ll be all ready to present myself to ComicCon. I mean present our panels at ComicCon.

Has anyone ever felt this sensual while getting their hair cut?

Has anyone ever felt this sensual while getting their hair cut?

Sharing is Caring: Grace and Mamrie make me laugh every week with their podcast This Might Get Weird.

See you next Tuesday, weirdos.

And a Half ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

It’s my half birthday today.

Twenty-nine and a half. I’ve been saying I’m “nearly thirty” since I turned 29 but now that I’m past the halfway point in 29 I think it’s really fair to say nearly thirty. Almost thirty. Practically in my thirties. About to be thirty. Turning thirty soon.

And does that mean anything? No. Everyday I’m just one day older than the day before.

I recently looked back at my Instagram post about being 29 and everything I did while I was 28.

I’m halfway through 29 and how am I doing on the list for 29?

Nov-Jan: two month post-break-up depression
Jan: on the radio to talk about having an often mispronounced name
Feb: another film review on the radio
Various work accomplishments
April: podcast rebranding ooh
May: two panels at ComicCon

So far it’s looking like the same as last year as far as accomplishments... working at the CFI- yay, being on the radio- yay, ComicCon- yay...

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

Yikes.

I do actually have ideas, goals, dreams, plans, hopes. Some more realistic than others. Some more within my control than others. Some may happen. Some may not. But having aspirations feels good. To me, depression has always been most defined by the hopelessness. Having goals to work towards and plans already in motion is the opposite; I’m full of hope. Yay, life! I’m gonna be fine. And not in the way people say when they’re definitely not fine but like actually I’ll be fine at the very least but probably actually happy and great.

tumblr_myagtmMcgx1snusg4o1_500.gif

Will accept half-happy half-birthday greetings here or on Twitter @tishchambers thank you

Today is also 15 years since Mean Girls came out. I was 14. 14 year old Tish thought 30 was all grown up. 14 year old Tish wrote a monthly zine full of emo poetry that she photocopied at the church and handed out to friends at school. 14 year old Tish really didn’t know what was going on with her hair but there was a lot of gel. 14 year old Tish went through a(nother) goth phase after getting really into The Craft (again). 14 year old Tish made some friends that are still her friends today. 14 year old Tish was depressed and anxious (but didn’t have the words or understanding yet) and cut herself sometimes. 14 year old Tish wanted to be a filmmaker. And famous. 14 year old Tish once, for a week, was “going out” with a jock she only talked to on MSN Messenger but never in person. 14 year old Tish almost always skipped mandatory PE because she “felt sick”.  14 year old Tish went to see Mean Girls in theatre with all the girls in school like a mandatory field trip I guess that’s cool but also weird choice for the school?

But today, I’m 29 and a half.

Never sure which it is…

Never sure which it is…

That’s right, I’m breaking from the Schitt’s Creek gifs. I do what I want.

See you next Tuesday, fuckers.

Acknowledge Me! ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Apparently I get all my Tuesdays with Tish ideas from late night post-event conversations with coworkers. This time we were talking about wanting acknowledgement for our work (as we work in the public eye), confidence in our work, and the stress of performative work, which is the kind of work no one notices unless something goes wrong.  ...and how old people are such angry assholes because they are scared of being forgotten when they die.

Acknowledgement is something most people want, right? Acknowledgement for a job well done. Acknowledgement from the gender(s) of your liking. Oh, this is bordering on validation. Ooh, yes, also validation. Like, I’m not pretty until a man thinks I am. I didn’t do good work until my boss tells me I did. I’m not significant unless thousands of people online tell me I am. I’m not successful until my salary is a certain amount. I’m not a good/interesting/attractive person until someone is in love with me. Validate meeeee! Yikes, that’s something else.

Back at work... we all just want acknowledgement for our work, whatever type of work we do. That usually comes from your superiors. Or your clients/customers. But how many people expect to be publicly acknowledged and thanked for doing their job? It’s an odd thing. I never expected any public acknowledgement of my hard work as a retail manager, but now I get cranky when people speaking at events only thank our Executive Director, not all the staff. It’s not that I expect this just on its own, it’s like, well as long as you’re publicly thanking people for their work in front of all the people who have been served by our work, then ya, you better thank the people that do the work that make this event possible (including volunteers! They help for free, goddamnit! Thank them!). But then I wonder if I’m just being my self-centered narcissistic self, wanting everything to be about me all the time. Am I expecting more than I deserve? But then- is that ‘Imposter Syndrome’ or whatever? Women backing down from taking credit because they don’t want to seem like they’re overstepping? I wanna say fuck that- I (we) deserve recognition, but… that’s not why we do the work, is it? I literally work at a non-profit charity… it’s not about everyone knowing and acknowledging all my hard work I put into events, it’s about the public being able to enjoy the events.

When you work in the public eye or any kind of performative work, acknowledgement for your work becomes something different. You don’t just get feedback from your clients/customers in the form of emails to HR, you get it as you are working. The good and the bad. Whether they say it to your face, or you just read the room, they are letting you know, as you are doing your work, whether or not you’re doing a good job. And as dodie poetically writes, “Words only get through if they’re sharp.” We don’t go over and over the few nice comments we got in an evening; we bitch and rant about the one or two negative interactions we had. But that speaks to our culture; complaining bring us together more than stories of nice things that happened to us.

So, all of this acknowledgement, or not, and criticism and feedback affects our confidence in our work. Even when we’re sure we know how to do our job, if one little thing goes wrong- even if it’s beyond our control- then we feel like an incompetent failure. (I keep writing “we” I guess because I’m assuming I’m not the only one who feels like this.) We’ll bitch about that one rude customer or how it was someone else’s fault, sure, but still feel like we failed somehow. And we carry that “failure” (it’s not a failure, if anything it’s usually a story of how you dealt with a fuck-up like a bawse) through into our other work, being even more anxious about that same thing going wrong again, or watching how we act because one person didn’t like our attitude once. This can be pretty universal, not just in public/performative work, but this type of work comes with the added performance anxiety which makes every little mistake feel like a colossal failure because everyone is watching.

Once again, my thoughts have not come to any conclusion or advice for you. Just me rambling about how I’m needy and want attention, as always. Boo hoo my life is so hard.

Can I have your attention, please, I would like some acknowledgement, thank you

Can I have your attention, please, I would like some acknowledgement, thank you

Sharing is Caring: I’ve jumped on board the Lizzo bandwagon and you should, too. Also, related, Someone Great is on Netflix and it is a delightful female friendship movie that is funny, almost as much about her break-up as it is about her amazing career accomplishments, female friendships yay, race and sexuality diversity in the leads yay, and just wholesome good vibes. Also, this scene dancing to Lizzo.

See you next Tuesday!

Goals and Feelings ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I finished making A Thing last night. A Thing that is part of a larger Thing that we are doing with the podcast. I like making Things. I also like seeing the finished Thing.

I wrote earlier this year about my Core Desired Feelings; Joy, Accomplishment, Connection. I chose those Feelings in part because I knew that I felt at my best when I felt those feelings. But I’ve been rethinking those CDFs. Joy and Connection are still goals for me; I would like to accomplish goals that make me feel that way. But Accomplishment, I already knew, is an everyday feeling. It’s a feeling inherent in any goal. A goal in itself is accomplishment. And, so it’s not one of my CDFs that I need to guide me and my goals. It is daily life.

So, I’m looking for a new word, a new Core Desired Feeling. Not that I need a certain number of them, but three feels like a good number for me.

I have those three words written on a whiteboard in my bedroom, but I honestly have not done any goal-setting with them in mind. Or any goal-setting really. To-do lists abound but no big goals or plans.

Maybe then it is time to check in on goals and plans and Core Desired Feelings. Hmm… what’s up. I’m getting ready to present panels at Ottawa ComicCon. Although I will be anxious before I get up there each time, it is a thrill to do it and a total high that lasts long after it’s done. Joy! Doing these presentations with my BFF, talking to people during/after the panels, and hopefully some opportunities that come from it make me feel a part of something bigger. Connection! My grandparents are visiting my parents in May, so I am taking a week off work to also stay at my parents to spend time with them. Joy! Connection! I’ve made a new friend. Connection! I would very much like a boyfriend/girlfriend (although I’m taking a break from the dating apps since it feels like a waste of time to swipe through photos of unattractive people and then have dead-end conversations with the few I match with). Connection! I’m very impatiently awaiting the arrival of Spring/Summer weather so I can relax on my balcony, feel the sunshine, go for bike rides and picnics, spend time by the water, and in general feel lighter and freer. Joy! My desire to travel- Joy. My desire to not travel alone- Connection. This is all stuff already in the works and feelings I already know I desire.

I’ll have to do some work on goals and feelings and get back to you. Does anyone else have Core Desired Feelings? How do you use feelings to make goals? I’ve been going with my gut on goals/plans and then linking them to CDFs, but I should probably re-read The Desire Map and do the work on goal-setting.

Pretty good, excited, tired, happy, sad, overwhelmed, supported, alive, hungry

Pretty good, excited, tired, happy, sad, overwhelmed, supported, alive, hungry

See you next Tuesday!

You Can't Plan It ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Five years ago, I wrote about how I was going to stop dreaming of living in Vancouver and stay here with my friends and that was okay because I was only 24 and I still had my twenties ahead of me. Well, now I’m nearly thirty and no longer stuck in Ottawa, rather tied to Ottawa because I found a job/career path I actually want but I have to stay here and build that, I can’t take it anywhere else just yet (and I don’t want to- damn, I love this organization and my coworkers!) In my early twenties, I would write that I was scared I was going to be stuck in this city that I didn’t even like for my whole twenties because I’d never be able to afford to move anywhere and/or wouldn’t be brave enough to leave my friends and parents and start somewhere new. And I’m still here. And I ain’t mad about it because I still love my friends and living near my parents and now this job.

But should I still be planning to move away? I’ve never had a Five Year Plan. I like plans and knowing what’s going to happen but I’ve also always lived like Rory Gilmore saying “Five year plan? Wow. I’ve got about the next two hours planned and then there’s just darkness. And possibly some dragons.” I never had the financial stability to dare dream of a five year plan. I was happy if I was able to pay rent without asking Mom for money that month. I don’t know what my five year plan should be. Should I plan to grow within my job or grow out of my job? Should I plan to do more outside of my job or are those opportunities outside of my control? Should I bother planning things that cost money (trips, apartments, things) when I know I’m bad at saving?

I may not have a five year plan, but I should probably have more of a life plan than “I like my job.” I hate that I’m that girl now but honestly I want someone to make plans with. In general I’m much happier making plans and doing things with a friend. I’d probably do much better and feel capable of taking some risks, like moving to a new city, if I had someone do it with. Pathetic but true. And hard not to think about when everyone around me is paired up and seemingly “ahead” of me in life. It’s not a coincidence. It’s easier to do things (like, financially) with a partner. Double income can buy a fucking house. I can only rent an apartment. Two people can split the cost of travel & accommodations for trips. I’d have to pay for it all myself and just end up being broke and lonely in a different place. But I don’t wanna do it on my own, she whines. I thought that’s what I’d do and that’d be fine because that’s always been the way but then I got a boyfriend that I wanted to do all this life stuff with and I liked that idea much more than doing it alone. And my closest friend got a boyfriend at the same time which was fine until I lost my boyfriend and needed my Plan A (BFF spinsters) back but she was no longer available for that. It feels a bit like I lost both my life partners. (She says dramatically…)

I want to be a totally Independent Woman™️ who don’t depend on no one for nothin’! Alas, I am actually warm and gooey inside and don’t want to be alone. But that’s one thing I can’t plan. I have no choice but to make plans for myself, on my own, and just leave that possibility of someone being by my side while I do those things. Can’t plan on a life partner, no matter how many dating apps I get. Also, I should probably be a better friend and reach out to see if friends want to go on trips and do fun things like WTF I am always forgetting friends are great and make life joyful. Dum dum.

Anyway, if anyone wants to answer any of my questions and plan my life for me, go for it. My only plans at the moment, outside of my job, are ComicCon and spending a lot of time on my balcony when the weather is nice...

This isn’t really related I just LOVE THEM SO MUCH THIS MADE ME WEEP WITH JOY Okay it is related because they are in love and in business together and they have plans together and I am such a David I just want to find my Patrick.

This isn’t really related I just LOVE THEM SO MUCH THIS MADE ME WEEP WITH JOY Okay it is related because they are in love and in business together and they have plans together and I am such a David I just want to find my Patrick.

Sharing is Caring: We just did a podcast about Barbra Streisand, so I watched a bunch of her movies and I would like to recommend What’s Up Doc? if you like early 70’s “screwball comedies” because it is a gosh darn great one.

See you next Tuesday!

Hell Yes ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

If it isn’t a HELL YES it’s a No.

This is the life-advice quote thing I think of most when making decisions. And I pass it on to other people when they’re being indecisive. If you’re not sure- it means you don’t really want to do it. And you don’t have time to do things you don’t REALLY want to do!

At least , I don’t have time. Life is short. I’m a busy woman. I will not be taking the time to watch a movie I’m not really into, spend time with someone that doesn’t make me feel great, work on a project that I’m not passionate about, go on a date with someone I’m not mad crushin’ on, etc etc, you get the idea. 

Sure, there are things one must do to make money and survive as an adult human that we don’t love to do but this is about the things that you have a choice in. It’s your choice. If it doesn’t light you up inside- why bother? Think it’s your only option so you have to settle for this lackluster life? No way; there’s always something else, someone else, that will suit you better. Don’t get stuck in something mediocre and miss out on the real deal!

What reminded me of the quote recently was a friend telling me about a guy she thought I’d like. Ya, sure, sounds cool but give me a visual- I wasn’t into him. So, it’s a No. Could he have been a great match for me and I would have grown to be attracted to him because of a personality attraction? Ya, it can happen. But I am a busy woman; I don’t need to give everyone a chance! 

Which brings me to… dating apps. Ugh. Groan. Fart noise. Everyone looks so boring! I know I’m picky. Very picky. Especially with men. But I don’t see the point in spending time talking to, or god forbid going out on a date with, someone I’m not TOTALLY STOKED about! Someone who grabs my attention, with conversation and their looks. I know meeting someone on a dating app is always going to be tricky for me now because my last relationship started on Tinder and we *sparked* immediately. We had a fun, fast-paced, conversation on Tinder right away and that turned into texting all day everyday until we could meet. I was smitten immediately; fell fast and hard. So, now, when I match with someone (rare) and start a conversation... It always seems so boring. How many times can I tell someone about my job and my life. My life isn’t boring; I’ll talk about myself all damn day but like it feels so… disingenuous? We’re just going through the motions that you do when you chat on dating apps. Same talk; different person. It never goes anywhere is what I’m saying. I found you attractive enough to talk to but now YA BORING ME. Again, I don’t have the time or energy to spend on the effort of trying to make a connection happen. Give me a *spark* or GTFO

And we’re all on dating apps because who actually just meets people out in the real world anymore? I can’t imagine the horror of going to a bar and having some guy just come up and offer to buy me a drink. And even if you chat and like each other- you won’t find out until later that, say, he wants kids and you don’t. What a waste, right? Okay, some people like dating just to date, that’s cool. I do not enjoying dating. It’s long-term partner potential or No Thanks for me. So, dating apps can filter out some dealbreakers; I like that.  But I hate that you are getting to know someone knowing exactly what type of relationship you are trying to build with them; romantic. I like the more real interaction of meeting someone, through whatever circumstances, like work or through a friend, and not knowing what your relationship with this person will be- a friend? Acquaintance? Colleague? Dating? Nemesis? Mentor? It can be fun (if it does feel like a *crush*) or just nice and easy to let a relationship develop with a new person based on your continued real life interactions, not an app that presupposes your intentions. 

So, I guess I’ll keep swiping through dating apps, saying “no” to 95% of these boring people (seriously, white guys- no woman wants to see you holding a fish!) and getting bored immediately with the few that  start conversations... until I find a *spark*... maybe even with a real life person. 🤞🏻

Me @ every person on Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. Ya, I got all three. I’m  REAL  lonely.

Me @ every person on Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. Ya, I got all three. I’m REAL lonely.

See you next Tuesday!

Give Me More Work ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Just this evening, Juliana (best friend, podcast co-host) and I decided that we will be taking on the possibly overwhelming work of preparing and presenting TWO panels for Ottawa ComicCon in May.

Last year, we presented the panel Because We Wear Glasses: Women in STEM on Screen. In February, we submitted our two applications. Two, because the email I got about the application being open suggested submitting more than one idea because they wanted a variety of topics. Last week I got the two emails, one for each panel, saying they’d been selected. I sent the screenshot to Juliana and she appropriately responded “Wait… both?” We were not expecting that. We’re choosing to believe it is because they loved us so much last year that they want to have even more of what we have to say this year. We’re not totally delusional- the panel was well received by the audience and both the programmer and the con director talked to us about our panel and how glad they were to have women-centered content there. So, yay, us! But, uh, can we handle two?

We took a few days to talk it over and think about it… Yes, it’s a lot of work and we’re busy women (I have a 17-film film festival to work in April) but… it would be awesome!? We didn’t want to choose between them, really. I made the case that we actually procrastinated a lot last year and put together the bulk of the content within two weeks, so if we actually stick to a schedule this time, we can get them done. But, then, I enjoy taking on a lot of work and feeling busy. I will feel overwhelmed at times, for sure, but I will love being able to say I am busy working on these two panels; because of their content, because I feel special being chosen to present them at ComicCon, because writing about movies & media is WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. We’re not getting paid to do these (other than the three-day Ranter pass we each get) but how much do I want to be a person who has to work on basically two massive essays on Studio Ghibli and Doctor Who? A lot. I really want to be a person whose work is stuff like this. And now, it is.

So, we decided we can and will do it. Yay! We’ll be so proud of ourselves after. Before, we’ll both be dangerously nervous, but we were last year, too, and managed to do it, so I’m confident we’ll be slightly less nervous this year and do just fine again. The thing about me and public speaking is… Anxiety? Stage fright? I don’t know what to call it, I mean, I definitely have anxiety in general, but I actually look forward to opportunities to speak in front of people (hello, self-centered attention-seeker). Last weekend I had to introduce the films at the film festival I was running. Not usually my job, but literally no other staff was in town. I looked forward to it; I wrote out my spiel, and was excited to get in front of all these people, who see me at screenings all the time, and introduce myself and, of course, feel important being the one representing our organization. Despite all that, when I stepped behind the podium, it was the same things that always happen... My brain goes blank, so I rely on my written speech more than I really need to; my voice sounds shaky and tight; I talk too fast, in a rush to get it over with I guess. All the while I am internally yelling at myself to CALM THE FUCK DOWN. It’s a battle in my brain- I know what I’m doing, I know there is no fear standing up here; I’m confident in what I’m saying and my position. But dumb old brain has interpreted the sight of all those people and a light shining in my face as DANGER and is acting appropriately; body is tense and ready to fight or flight and you gotta get out of this situation as quickly as possible, so hurry up! By the sixth and final introduction, I felt less of the physical panic and was able to speak at a more reasonable speed. A nice reminder of how I am public speaking as I contemplated whether I want to do one or two public speaking things. But, the biggest difference is Juliana. Sitting next to your best friend, who is in this with you, makes a big difference in confidence. The fear of messing up isn’t so end-of-the-world when you know someone has your back, and if you do fuck up, well, you’ll both laugh about it at least, even if everyone else just thinks you suck.

So, what are we doing?

Brave Girls Break the Mold: Studio Ghibli’s Heroes
For over 30 years, Studio Ghibli has been defying animation expectations by putting girls at the helm of action adventure films. Why are these representations so important and how do they tackle stereotypes of femininity? Let’s discuss the traits these memorable young girls share that have made them so influential to fans of all ages and genders.

The Historic Women of Doctor Who
Through all of time and space, The Doctor has met quite a few of Earth’s historically important women. How well does the show portray these real women and their real history? Let’s discuss how storytelling, sci-fi, and history came together for The Doctor to meet Queen Victoria, Rosa Parks, Agatha Christie, and more.

We’re excited about both, so all this work is going to be enjoyable. I mean, if we didn’t want to watch all of Studio Ghibli’s movies again and research some women of history, we wouldn’t have submitted the ideas, would we?

I think I’ll wear a suit.

I think I’ll wear a suit.

See you next Tuesday!

Spring is Trying to Be Sprung ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring! Hard to believe when you look around at this city covered in slick ice patches between piles of dirty snow. March is tricky like that. Sometimes it just stays Winter, and sometimes it hits you with a week of 20+ temps to mess with you.

Last March, as my Timehop has been reminding me, I was very busy getting ready for my store to open. Lots of photos taken of store displays, lightbulbs, printer cables, more lightbulbs... My life was a lot about lightbulbs for a while. I was working at least 12 hour days, often by myself. #humblebrag On March 20th, the store finally opened and instead of being relieved that the worst was behind me, I was immediately bored and hated my job. Give me the one million responsibilities of opening a franchise store and I'll thrive. Make me interact with dumb and rude customers and I want to kill myself. (Spoiler Alert: I wasn't stuck in retail hell for much longer. Yay!) Also that day, I got the email from Ottawa ComicCon informing me that our panel had been selected for programming. Much more exciting than the first day of a record store. (Again this year, I'm waiting to hear back about which, if either, of our submitted panels will be selected.)

March always feels transitional and hopeful. No matter how quickly, slowly, cold or hot the weather, it is moving towards SUMMER! All you crazy people who say you prefer Winter- let me set things straight. Summer is always better. No one likes either extremes presented by the seasons, but Summer's extremes are never as bad as Winter extremes. Summer is hot. That's it. Okay, some may say it's also humid and that's terrible but I am a very dry human body so I will take sweaty humidity (easily relieved by a quick cool shower) over the dryness of Winter that means I have to keep my humidifier filled and still deal with nosebleeds. So, Summer is hot (and humid). But that's it. Enjoy some A/C, a pool, a sprinkler, the shade and you'll survive. Winter is not just cold. First of all- "cold" does not cut it some days when your skin will freeze with only seconds of exposure. It's cold, it's snow, it's ice, it's multiple layers of clothes and outerwear, it's a constant runny nose because of the cold, it's DARKNESS. Okay, I've already written about how terrible Winter is twice (it makes me sad and angry), so let's not dwell too much. But my point is made. Winter is worse. Summer is sometimes too hot/humid but Winter is always TOO so many things.

Let's stay positive; I'm getting through the last dregs of this never-ending Winter by looking forward to jackets instead of coats, clear & clean sidewalks, more wardrobe choices, more sunshine, sitting on my balcony with a frozen drink and a good book everyday after work, picnics, bike rides, walks, leaves on trees and grass on the ground, unfrozen rivers and lakes to see, and the general feeling of freedom that comes with moderate temperatures, blossoming nature, and sunshine.

me @ the snow and ice

me @ the snow and ice

Sharing is Caring: I’ve been listening to Sigrid’s album Sucker Punch everyday on the bus. Bops on bops on bops! Don’t kill my vibe!

See you next Tuesday!

Boys Have Cooties ✚ Tuesdays with Tish

I’m going to tell you the story of my first boyfriend. I was nine years old. I was friends with the boy who lived next door that was in my grade, Derek. He had four brothers and all their names started with D. They had an in-ground pool and a trampoline. And something that would these days be called a “man cave” which was that place above the garage where his dad hung out. It smelled like cigarettes and stale beer (not that I would have known what that smell was at that age). It had a couch no one wanted to sit in, some tools, beer cans and bottles on display and at least one calendar featuring naked women. One day after school, I was up there with Derek and a girl named Caitlin. We were just being dumb kids and at some point Caitlin dared us to “go out” with each other so we said yes and then she dared me to kiss him on the cheek to seal the deal, so I did. I remember that magical moment was ruined because my baseball cap (Can you imagine me ever wearing a baseball cap? Yikes, I must have been in my tomboy phase.) hit him in the forehead as I went in for the kiss but I managed to get at his cheek anyway. Well, that was decided. We were “going out”. I remember all that evening I was so excited inside! I knew better than to tell anyone but I was absolutely beaming inside with the knowledge that I had a boyfriend. Me! I was so special! It made me so happy! Still riding high the next morning, I went to school, hung up my backpack, and went outside to wait for the bell. I remember it was cold and there was slush on the ground, probably late Fall. I walked out the door and Derek was right beside it, he said “Hey, we should talk.” And then he crushed my dreams. He said that was stupid last night and we shouldn’t actually do it and I just agreed, ya, so stupid, we’re friends, it’s fine. But actually my wee little heart was broken. I stayed friends with Derek, and had other “boyfriends” as a kid, so it really didn’t affect me much, but I still remember my hat hitting his head, feeling so happy and excited to have a boyfriend, and then it being undone so quickly the next morning.

The question here is; why did I care about having a boyfriend when I was only nine years old? I didn’t like boys. I didn’t want to kiss them. Or anyone. Why did I think having a boyfriend was such an important thing that I should do?

Answer: heteronormativity.

I’ve been thinking about how being raised hetero has affected me in my adult relationships. I grew up in the 90’s, in a Christian family, in small rural towns full of white people. My parents were nice but not exactly progressive. Everywhere I looked in real life, TV, and movies the only romantic relationships I saw were between a man and a woman. Duh, right? But my mom, just trying to be a good mom, really messed up my head about gender. None of this was unusual for the time, of course, it’s only looking back now from today’s society that her actions seem so messed up, so heteronormative, so gender-based… The “of course” is that my mom treated my friendships with boys different than my friendships with girls. Of course she wouldn’t have let me have a sleepover with a boy. Of course she didn’t like me going to a boy’s house to hang out. Of course a boy-girl birthday party was a big deal. Of course she wouldn’t let me close the door if I had a boy in my room. But… what of course did she think would happen? I was a kid. The most I could have even imagined is kissing but I wasn't interested in that or even knew how to do it. And I wouldn’t have even thought there was anything different about playing with boys if my mother hadn’t made it very clear that I can’t treat boy friends the same as girl friends. I learned very young that girls are for friends and boys are for… something else that I shouldn’t be doing. Yikes, right?

I remember having boy friends when I was younger, but I also remember having “boyfriends”. You know, when you say you’re “going out” but you never really interact because at recess you play with your girl friends and boys and girls don’t play together. But after about grade five, when boy friends were replaced with boyfriends, I never had boy friends again. And this gender divide (girls = friends, boys = boyfriends) only made the pre-teen, and teen, years more confusing. I didn’t particularly care about having boyfriends, the way some girls that age are boy crazy and eager to try out holding hands, dates, and kisses. So, I just didn’t want anything to do with boys. I couldn’t even talk to boys because they made me so nervous. I couldn’t talk to them like I talk to girls. They had become a different species. Interactions with boys were analyzed with your girl friends later. Every look or conversation was potentially because he liked you, right? I was afraid to interact with boys because what if one liked me and I had to be his girlfriend? Or reject him? Could I do that?

I won’t even get too much into how my then-undiscovered bisexuality factored into all this, that’s another story, I think. Because this story is how being raised to be heterosexual still affects how I relate to men today. I still feel awkward around men that I think could potentially be interested in me. And, side effect, I assume almost every man is into me. It’s not an ego thing, really, it’s this lingering habit from being socialized to see boys/men as only potential romantic/sexual partners, not friends/peers. I feel I have to be on guard because any man is accessing my attractiveness and romantic/sexual partner potential. Frankly, it’s exhausting. But it has gotten easier. Embracing my bisexuality has helped because I no longer feel obligated to consider any man, or men in general, as I know I’m just more interested in women. It weirdly gives me some confidence around eligible men to think of myself as very gay so it doesn’t matter what he thinks of me because I am just not interested in his whole gender. That’s not true, but taking the whole gender off the table means I don’t have to feel bad for not liking that one in particular- so fucked up I know. This is what I’m talking about. It’s still hard for me to see men as just platonic peers.

As I said, I’m getting better at being platonic around men. But I still tend to assume any guy my age is into me, and I get crushes on any guy who I think is showing interest in me. I get over it pretty quickly, now, though. I turn my over-thinking in the other direction and instead of thinking every little thing is him showing interest in me, I think well if I did any of that would it be because I wanted to bone someone? Point made.

So, any men wanna be platonic friends with me?

Me, after every interaction with a man

Me, after every interaction with a man

See you next Tuesday.